Talked to (IM'd with) Vivian again last night - she seems to be doing ok, although it's really hard to tell in text. Apparently she's made a bunch of new "friends" while she was in the psyche ward, and she's been talking with them, making plans to hang out when they "get out". We talked about a bunch of things, but she mentioned something in passing the other day that put me on edge. She made a comment about just wanting to get pregnant & then disappearing to raise her kid. Ever since then, I've kind of been putting these little hints together (maybe incorrectly). She was telling me about an old high school friend she's talking with again who's trying to "get with her", and I asked if he was her type. She said no, that she's "99% lez" now & now that she's had that, she couldn't do without it. I asked her about the 99% & she just typed a wink-smiley & an 'lol'. Now, you may recall that she asked me a while back about fathering a child for her & her (now) ex - I keep getting the impression (again, maybe reading too much into it) that she still wants that, especially after the "getting pregnant & disappearing" comment. Even when she came up last time & I had my little meltdown (when I thought I got drugged at the bar) she was trying her hardest to get me to sleep with her.
The more I talk to her, the more I think I need to distance myself from her. The topic of weather came up and I joked about hating this state, cuz it was 50� - she said it was in the 80's where she was & then again mentioned that I should come down & see her. I'm torn though, because, while I know I'm not going to ever be involved with her again, I would ultimately feel responsible if I were to break off communication with her & she tried again, or worse yet, succeeded. I already carry guilt about another situation like this, and while I know in my head it wouldn't be (and wasn't) my fault, I feel like I could be (could have been) the one person it took to turn that around. I mean, sometimes, that's all it takes to help someone - just one person who gives a shit, you know? Thing is, I'm already feeling the mental/energy drain from this, especially today at work, for some reason.
I need to find healthy, well-rounded, well-grounded people with whom to surround myself. I tend to be drawn to people in trouble, ones who seem to need a friend, or guidance, etc. - maybe because I can identify with that, because that's how I always felt growing up (still do, for that matter, I guess). It seems I'm either surrounded by broken, needy people (depression, drinking, drugs, self-abusive behaviors, etc), or I'm completely isolated. That's no way to try to grow healthier, stronger, to become a better person.
I still feel stuck, I need a change, and it needs to happen sooner, rather than later. Most of all, I need someone to care for & support me like I'm trying to do for all these other people. Guess that's why I still do it.
I miss CC, too. *sigh*
12:39 p.m. - 2011-09-28
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