I just realized in looking at my previous entries, I never talked about seeing CC again.
Last week, I was having some back issues, so I called my chiro. for an appt. Went in that evening, and she was there. I almost left the parking lot right then, but I figured 1) I really needed an adjustment, and 2) it would be good to see her again, even if it was nerve-wracking. I walked in & she was standing near the counter, her back to me, so I walked up & tapped her on the shoulder. I was expecting, at very least, a big smile, or more hopefully, a hug or something, but what I got was a slightly pulled-back, deer-in-headlights look from her (she actually took half a step back when she turned around, and then stayed there while we talked). She recovered fairly quickly, and gave me a (weak) smile, asked how I was, blah, blah, blah. I told her I needed to sign in & while she finished up, I'd be sitting "over there". She came over a few minutes later, sat down & we talked a bit. Her interviews went well, she got an offer from the place she was most interested in, and would likely get one from her second choice as well (both of which are in Oklahoma). I told her I was happy for her, because they both sounded like exactly what she'd been looking for. (And I was/am happy for her, don't get me wrong.) I knew she could tell I was in an odd mood, and I tried to explain it away by telling her I'd had a really stressful day/week at work, etc. which was partly true, at least.
I got called for my appt. a minute or two later, and I told her to write me when she got a chance. I thought I heard her say ok, but I may have been mistaken. Anyway, the thing that bothered me about the whole situation wasn't that I had confirmation that she was moving away, or the fact that she'd only be here another couple months, or anything related to that - it was her initial reaction to seeing me that hurt. I don't even know why it should have, but damnit, it really messed with my head. Another part that bothered me was that, even though in her last email to me (before she left on her "interview tour", she told me she'd find time to write me a real email, and that she missed me. She'd been back for at least a week when I ran into her, maybe longer, and she had good news about her job search, and didn't bother to write, and that hurt too. Now, on top of all that, I still haven't heard from her, and it's been a week (that includes a weekend as well, so I know it can't be that she didn't have time). I wasn't going to contact her, but I broke down & sent her a short email asking if she got the 2nd job offer, and wished her luck. I realized the next day that I hadn't sent her any info on my upcoming gig, and she told me in her last email that she really wanted to know, so I sent her a message about that to, just made it a basic FYI.
I feel like an ass, because it's obvious she doesn't want to talk to me, and I need to just fucking stop writing her. I'm going to give it til the end of the week - if she doesn't make it to my show and I haven't heard back from her, I'm deleting her number and email again, so I won't be tempted to make a bigger ass of myself.
So anyway, there's the explanation behind my recent issues, not that anyone really gives a shit! ;-)
12:10 p.m. - 2011-05-11
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