Man, yesterday was hard - such a beautiful day, and I felt pretty good, except for the fact that every time I turned around, I found myself wanting to call CC, to share some little thing I saw with her, to simply talk to her. At times, it was almost overwhelming - I wish I could find a way to get her out of my head. I miss her - or maybe I just miss the chemistry, the anticipation, the hope of possibilities that were inherent with her... Of course, she's the only one I've met in whom I've found that feeling, so in a way, it *is* her, although not necessarily. Well, I know what I'm trying to say, even if it doesn't make any sense to anyone else.
I'm still torn; I know the smart thing to do would be to break any possibility of contact with her for a while, months maybe, until I can get some distance/perspective on the whole situation. Thing is, the end result is the same - if I try to stay in touch, I'm going to be sad that we're not together, and if I don't talk to her for a while, I'm going to be sad about not having her in my life at all. I need a distraction - you'd think working on the house, or the gig I've got coming up, or any of a number of things would serve to distract me, but they don't. I'm stuck; I'm at a loss as to what I should do, how I can change things.
I wonder, is this typical behavior for a guy? I mean, I don't really have any guy friends I could ask, or that I've been close to for a while from whom I could have made observations, so I don't know. I feel like some kind of obsessive freak, and I don't like it, but I try to accept that how I feel is how I feel. I know that I've pretty much latched on to her because she's the closest I've gotten to finding someone in years. I have to learn to tell myself that if I found her, there are bound to be more like her out there somewhere, right? I know that's true, but my logical side constantly extrapolates the timing of the whole thing, meaning, it took me this many years to find someone this close to ideal, so it follows that it's going to take just as long to find the next. Silly, yet it makes sense to that part of me.
Man, is anyone else tired of me rehashing the same old thing over and over? I know I am...
11:32 a.m. - 2011-05-11
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