I keep debating on whether to write here - had something up last night, deleted it this morning. I've been doing that quite a bit recently, because there are times when I really just need to get my thoughts out, but the next day, I feel absolutely fucking stupid about having felt that way, and actually putting it out there. Right now, there's kind of a battle between what's going well in my life, and what's not.
What is, is that 1) I've got a good job, with great pay and benefits; 2) I've got a new place that I own outright, and that I'm fixing up in my own style; 3) I'm decluttering my life, getting rid of superfluous things; and 4) I'm losing weight for some reason, even though I haven't worked out in months.
What isn't, is that 1) I'm afraid of what's going to happen with the foreclosure I'll be going through soon, whether the bank will accept a deed-in-lieu situation or whether they'll come after me in court, garnish my wages, etc.; 2) the people at my job don't seem to understand what capacity is, and have unrealistic expectations, which has brought conflict into my work-life by forcing me to fight the teams regarding what is the absolute minimum requirement of things they need to be able to fully complete their work, and it's been a fucking struggle every day; 3) I feel like I'm right back where I was regarding relationships.
CC was the closest thing to my ideal I've ever found (who was available, anyway) and it's really beating me up mentally that I managed to fuck that up so bad, considering how connected we were/are. Even after deciding that I still wanted her in my life, knowing that we wouldn't be together, I'm finding myself longing to see/hear from her, and in a way, wanting her validation that yes, I really am a decent guy and wanting confirmation that yes, it's possible that I might eventually find someone again. The longer I go without hearing from her, the more despondent I become, and I'm starting to second-guess myself, regarding whether it was wise to want to stay in touch. Yet at the same time, I can't imagine never seeing/speaking with her again. I've been going out a lot more, and having no luck meeting anyone of any worth; I've started scoping out the online dating sites again, with the same result, and I'm getting very discouraged.
To top it off, I have an ex that is married, and also has a g/f, (yes, they each know about the other) who keeps wanting to hook up with me (fortunately she lives out of state), and in some of my weaker moments, I keep telling her I think we should, too. Thing is, I know that's only a manifestation of my baser, more animalistic needs, and that if I were to be honest with myself, I really have no interest in her beyond sex. Truthfully, most of the time I'm not even interested in that, either, but what can I say? I'm just a weak man when it comes to that. It would be an easy situation, no strings, no further expectations, and there's already a physical comfort/knowledge/compatibility there, unlike with one-night-stands, which I've never had, and have no interest in.
All of this is resulting in my feeling very isolated again, regardless of the positive things in my life. The longer this goes on, the more I realize that I need someone in my life if I'm ever going to be truly happy. I may be able to skate through life doing fun things, going to interesting places, meeting different people, but without having someone with whom to share it, there's always going to be an empty place in me. People say that, in order to find someone, you first have to be happy and whole on your own... What if that's not possible? What then?
I hope my mental strength returns soon - I'm getting to the point again where every day is a struggle to care.
10:45 a.m. - 2011-05-03
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