I went back and reread someof our old emails, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I really didn't make too many "mistakes" in this thing with CC; that the basic problem stemmed from her over-thinking *everything* and making herself stress out over the littlest things. I knew right at the beginning that she was like this - I mean, there were so many signs. 1st, she's a (psychology?) major (not sure if that's the actual title, but it's that field). 2nd, she remembers *every conversation*, and I mean word for word (I know this because she's quoted me back to me a few times! I saw the problem with that coming from a mile away!) 3rd, I think she's a high strung individual, stress-wise, and though she hides it well, she's an emotional wreck. For instance, if I hadn't written to her for a bit (up to a week) she's automatically assume something was wrong, then kind of pull back, emotionally. She has some pretty big 'parent' issues too, (mostly 'daddy' issues, but both parents pretty much sucked) and they caused the first really big issue we had.
I knew all this, and I was hoping that with enough support, encouragement, and reassurance, she'd learn that she could trust me, but while that might be true, that's not really up to me. Aside from her issues though, she's an amazing gal, and she actually fit *everything* in my "mental criteria" (aside from being just a *bit* too tall - yeah I know - picky, picky...) - smart as hell, quick witted, great sense of humour, *great* physical build, beautiful smile, gorgeous eyes, just a beauty all around. I mean, I could just sit & watch/listen to her talk for days! *sigh*
Still she's been the only real bright spot in my life for the last several months, and I have to admit she's the woman who made me accept that I'm open to having another meaningful relationship, that I really do want that, even if I doubt it will ever happen. I'm convinced that I was supposed to meet her, and everything in me is telling me that she's supposed to be in my life in some way. I just need a little time to turn my mind around & accept that things will just be platonic with her. Hell, I've been doing that for years with women I know, accepting that we'll just be friends, while secretly hoping the entire time that something will come from it. That's probably some kind of self-esteem issue, but I can live with that - it's better, to my mind, to have wonderful platonic female companionship, than to be alone, waiting for something that might never happen.
It's funny, when I mentioned that she's been the only bright spot in my life recently, I was dead serious. She's been like the sun in my world, and without her being around, my life is darker already. I mean, even this new place doesn't really excite me anymore. I'd imagined the two of us spending time together there; we had plans to work on fixing it up together. In fact, she kept telling me how much she was looking forward to working on the place with me! Now, it's just a good move, a step in the right direction. I know that in my mind, but my heart's just not that into it anymore.
And, just this second, I realized that I need to write her a quick note. My last email created an awkward situation that I need to diffuse. I'd told her that I was fighting between wanting her still in my life as a friend, and being too sad about things not working out to be able to see her, and that the sad part was winning right now - near the end of the email, I told her I wasn't going to contact her again; that it would be up to her if she wanted to talk with me. Well, why the hell would she want to write me if she thinks that hearing from her will hurt me more? Basically, I'm just going to tell her that I'll write her when I think I can handle things (that's paraphrased, of course). She really brings out the positive side of me, and makes me smile, makes me see that the future isn't all bleak and desolate, and I'm going to need that kind of influence if I'm ever going be happy enough to meet someone else. I've always heard it said that you should surround yourself with people who lift you up, encourage you to be your best, make you want to be the person they see in you - that's the kind of person I strive to be for others - and she definitely did that.
p.s. You know what? My absolute first clue that it wasn't going to work out should have been that she's a dog person, I'm a cat person - I mean, really - dogs? What the hell!? lol ;-)
10:16 a.m. - 2011-04-15
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