I started taking my new meds last night. So far, all they've really done is relax me and make me not sleep very well (which seems to be a bit contradictory, but...). Nothing at all like I was hoping. Fortunately, it's not making me too foggy, so I'm going to continue it for a few more days, see if things improve. I was told this is a fast-acting one, so it shouldn't take more than a week to build up to appropriate levels.
I'm a bit concerned though, as this is the third depression med I've tried over the years, and it doesn't seem to be doing what I've been led to believe (by various friends/acquaintances) that they should be doing. At very least, I figured they'd level me out & make me feel a bit... ok? Maybe a bit more positive? (I was hoping for feeling like I actually wanted to smile, for a change). I don't know; maybe my expectations are a bit unrealistic. I've no idea what I should be feeling with them. (For that matter, I've no idea what I should be feeling without them too, so...)
My biggest concern right now is that there's nothing *chemically* wrong with me, and that I'm just destined to be a 'Negative Ned' all my life; that it's just the way it's supposed to be, that my negativity is all in my thought processes, and that I'm going to be unable to change them.
I keep checking my email, hoping for a message from her, although I know it's not going to happen, and every time I don't see one, I get sadder, realizing that I'm going to have to get used to that again. I still miss her, even though we never really got to the point of there being something to miss. At least I can say with moderate confidence now, that a relationship is something that I want. I guess that's a step, right? Better than the resignation I've been feeling.
Meh. I've got to go...
12:10 p.m. - 2010-11-03
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