I think I need to stop being so honest about my feelings with people. I've thought for a long time now that I was over my major depression issues, but I see that my thought patterns, even when I'm doing well (which currently, I'm not, so much) are based in negativity. In everything I see, every situation I look at, I seeendings, I see loss. I don't bother to see the positive, because it's always overshadowed in the end.
To quote Denis Leary: "Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, THAT'S IT! End of fucking list!"
People think it's funny, but it's really how I see life, except for the fact that I don't find happiness in those things either. Some small pleasure? Sure, but happiness? I mean really... when was the last time you actually felt happy in your heart about a fucking cookie? I don't know, maybe you do!? Maybe it's just me who isn't able to enjoy anything in life.
Anyway, back to not being open about my feelings. I actually think it would be best if I put up a stoic front, I could pretend things are good, for the sake of others. The few people who care about me are only hurt by knowing I'm not doing so well, and who the hell am I to bring them down like that, you know? It just seems like everyone would be happier "knowing" I'm happy too, and if I can't make a specific someone (whomever that may be) happy, I should do the next best thing & make as many others as happy as I can, regardless of my feelings.
So, I'm going to do my best to keep myself open to CC, if she changes her mind, but 1) I've no idea how successful I'll be, or for how long, and 2) I think I'm going to go ahead and stop fighting my urge to drink my troubles away. I've been trying to avoid it for a couplefew months now, and am not having any luck, so why not just give in & be done with it!? It's also been months since I've even worked out more than once or twice. I'm fat & out of shape again & I don't really give a shit. Might as well drink.
I mean, really. Why not?
(And now that I think about it, I wonder why the fuck I'm even bothering to write about this shit here. It's not like it serves any real purpose.)
6:42 p.m. - 2010-10-19
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