Well, where to start...
Ok, I remembered the name I used to use for my ex - "Vivian"... So anyway, last time I saw Vivian was a couple days before she got married. She'd come into town, and we arranged to have a few drinks & catch up. We sat, we talked, we got a bit "cozy". I figured maybe she was looking for one last little "fling" - we came back to my place for another drink & ended up fooling around a bit. Didn't go too far, as neither one of us had planned on it happening & didn't have any "protection" with us. She got a call at one point, & had to go, and we just kind of left it at that.
I ended up going to the wedding that weekend, and we were supposed to talk, but things didn't go as planned, and there was no time, so we decided to talk in a week or two, kind of go over what happened, and (I assumed) what it meant. When we finally did talk about it, I was really surprised - she told me that, even though she was married, they were in a somewhat "open" relationship (they had a particular agreement about certain "conditions"). She explained them to me, and the gist of it was that she could play around, if she wanted. I was pretty hesitant about the whole idea, and told her that we needed to talk about it. I wanted to know things like what she expected to come from it; what my concerns were about it, etc. What it came down to was that she just wants to play around, keep it to having some fun. She's not in town here, so it hasn't been something I've needed to be concerned with yet. Part of me is ok with it, as we both had a similar agreement when we were together (not quite the same), and it would be so nice to have that kind of physical intimacy back again. We know each other well & what we like, so it's comfortable, and we did have a good sex life. Of course, another part of me is concerned that she won't be able to keep the physical and the emotional separate. I brought that up with her, even; that I was concerned it could affect her emotional relationship with her husband. She assured me that it wouldn't be a problem, so at this point, I'm looking forward to it. Although...
(Well, as I've not had any breakfast yet, I'm going to continue this after I've grabbed some grub!)
Ok, I'm back...
So, not sure if I mentioned meeting up with CC a while back at my buddy's show or not, but well, umm... yeah. That was the first real contact we'd had since things went "south", and I thought it went well; a little awkward, but overall, pretty positive. I had hoped to get a text from her the day or two after that, see if she had a good time or not. Since I didn't hear from her, I figured that was a pretty strong indicator that it was a one-off thing & she wasn't really interested in hanging out at all. Last night, I get an unexpected text message (phone in my pocket) and my first thoughts were immediately; 1) who the hell could that be!? 2) what are the chances that it's actually someone cool & attractive that wants to hang out with me tonight?
Imagine my surprise when I saw it was CC! Unfortunately, the surprise wasn't a pleasant one. When she moved here, she had to leave some of her pups behind. She got a call that two of them got really sick, and the older one had to be put to sleep. She's really close with her animals, and it really upset her. (I was surprised that I would be the one she'd reach out to here, although it's possible I'm the only one she really knows in the area.) I told her my night was pretty free and to let me know if she wanted to talk, or just hang out. Eventually, she texted me & we did just that. Talked about her pups, what happened, how she felt, etc. but we also touched back on our "relationship", how things were left, and discovered that we had some miscommunications & misunderstandings with the way things went down. She thought I'd written her off, and I thought the same of her, but neither actually did. We talked about some of the issues, clarified a few things. End of the night, I asked if she wanted to go somewhere & continue talking or if she'd rather just sit with our talk for a while. She said she wanted time to (assimilate was the word I came up with) all we had talked about, because she hadn't expected to get into that topic at all. I said that was fine, & for her to let me know if/when she wanted to talk a bit more, because we obviously have things to discuss. I also invited her out to the big multi-band gig going on downtown tonight. Told her I'd invited a bunch of people & would be there most of the night & to let me know if she felt like coming out.
So we left things at that. We walked out together & gave each other a hug, but that was pretty much it. So now, I'm kind of struggling with things... Part of me has already written her off, as far as a serious relationship goes, because part of my healing process this time was trying to focus on the few little "negative" things about her that would likely cause trouble long-term. I still have those issues in the back of my mind. Part of me also thinks that she's not ideal, and that if/when I move out of town, I'll likely find someone who's a much better fit for me, even though she *is* really great. The thing about that is, it looks like I'm going to be getting a full-time, permanent job here in town within the next month. If so, it means I'll likely be staying put for at least a year or two, maybe three, before I consider moving somewhere else again (even Germany).
Now, the altruistic side of me is thinking, "Look, asshole - you know you've got a horrible track record with relationships... why drag her down into your hell?". I'm thinking that it's very likely she'd be better off not getting involved with me, because as an ex so kindly pointed out to me a while back, it's true that I just push everyone away eventually. Knowing this, is it fair to her to "inflict" this kind of issue on her? Or is it better for all involved if I "sacrifice" myself & my happiness to avoid hurting another? It certainly feels more "noble" to do so, but I don't know if that's good or not.
On the other hand, is it my place to make that decision for her? Everyone who gets involved in a relationship takes the chance that they may invest a lot of time/energy into someone & there's no guarantee it will work out. Is it fair of me to deny each of us the chance to have at least a few years of happiness, even knowing the end result may be a split? Is it selfish of me to want that, to want that kind of physical/emotional intimacy, all the while knowing in the back of my mind that it's probably going to end? For that matter, on a much shallower level, is it really that wrong of me to want, at very least, the physical intimacy with her? I mean, she's beautiful, and strong, and sexy, and, well... amazingly hot! I kind of feel like a pig for that, but it's true, and there's no point in hiding the fact that I'm terribly attracted to her.
Which brings up another point... if things pick back up with CC, what do I do about Vivian? We had a great sex life, and I've been looking forward to experiencing that again, but the opportunity is still several weeks off. Also, (and I'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier) the night I went running with the Joker? We had several drinks, she had some smoke, we sat & talked for a few hours & at the end of the night, I tried to kiss her. Well, I actually did, but she didn't return it at all. I figure it was because she's technically back with her b/f again, but after I did & grabbed my stuff to get going, she made a comment that sort of made me wonder... She said "now you've got me all squirrely" - (I assume she meant flustered or some such). and just kept looking at me as I let her know what my plans were for the next few weeks. (We had planned on running together again at some point fairly soon). I thought she might avoid me after that, but a few days later, she texted me to say that she made her next running milestone, so I assume the whole thing must not have been that awkward, and maybe she's even thinking about it a bit, considering whether to kiss me back next time. I'm not worried about it if it doesn't happen, she's still cool to hang with, but I think she's be fun to fool around with too! ;-)
Oh, yeah, I bought a car a couple days ago, too! (used, of course) It's a really nice luxury car, but older, and it needs some work (engine runs a bit rough) but it's still driveable. I'm really excited about it, because it's the nicest car I've had in several years! I have a line on selling the old cycle, and if I can sell that, and the other car I have, I'll still be almost $1000 ahead! I've been working at fixing the little things I can with it, and am making some progress, but there are a couple things that worry me, so I'm not sure how much money I should "invest" in it. For now, I'm only going to do the basic, low-cost things, until I can determine the big things aren't actually an issue.
Oh, I also hooked up with four local musicians I know, who are forming a new band. They offered me a standing invitation to hang with them at their weekly practice! I was talking to the guitarist previously, and mentioned to him that I was really looking to learn/expand my knowledge, and I told him I was open to any possible learning experience, which is when he invited me. These guys are good, too - listen-to-a-song-a-couple-times-on-the-ipod-and-then-reproduce-it-accurately, good. The cool thing is, the lead guitarist doesn't know any chord names, and only a few full chords & wants me to teach him some! I thought that was pretty awesome! Anyway, there was one song they did the last time that I really dug & I'm going to try to learn it by the next practice. (Not that I'll be playing with them, but I thought it would be fun to do.) And who knows? If I learn it well enough, they may ask me to sit in once or twice!
Please feel free to offer up any thoughts/advice on anything I've written. As of right now, you guys are the only ones who know this stuff, and I would appreciate some input from an outside viewpoint...
4:38 p.m. - 2010-10-02
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