Yeah, I was right - pretty difficult day. I mean, it was really good to see the ex so happy; the ceremony was really nice, and the reception was small but fairly fun. I had a nice, yet awkward moment with her step-mom though - I guess a lot of the family had been debating whether I was who they thought I was, because I haven't seen them in years. Once they realized it was me, they were very excited to see me. I was greeted by family memebers I only met once or twice, all of whom were happy to see me. At one point, when I was talking to her step-mom & step-mom's sister, the step-mom actually said "we were always hoping it would be you!" I didn't really know what to say, so I mumbled a quick, "yeah" or some such, then said how glad I was that (ex) wanted me there. They asked if I was ok with it, like they expected me to be upset, I guess!? I told them I was really happy for her, that I was glad she found what she needed.I think they were all (pleasantly) surprised at my reaction, which made me feel good.
I sat with my friend Eileen, who had her kids with her (her husband couldn't make it). It was really nice to see her again. I'd forgotten just how attractive I find her, and how well we get along. I even got along with her kids, and I don't "do" kids. The whole situation has brought out just how much I'm missing by being alone. People were happy, there were couples everywhere, and I was there with a married woman that, had we originally met just a bit before we had, I might have had a chance with. It's actually come up before, that if she hadn't been with him at the time, she would have gone out with me. Obviously it has no bearing on anything anymore, but it's just another reminder for me that I don't have anyone who cares about me that way, and it really makes me sad.
Such a conflicting day... Joy and excitement from a couple starting a new life together, a peaceful happiness and contentment from a woman already married with kids, and a distinct sense of solitude and isolation from a guy who seems to be destined to fail in love.
I don't have any idea what to do with myself at this moment. I really want some company, yet I don't know how to reach out to anyone for it.
5:25 p.m. - 2010-09-12
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