Got an email from CC finally - she explained all of the things that are going on right now with her job/school, and it's obvious why she has no time. She really doesn't have a moment free for any serious interaction. Thing is, all she had to do was let me know all of this upfront and I would have been much more patient about it. The fact that she didn't, and the timing, and a couple other things, just make me really cautious, make me want to pull back.
As well as telling me what has been happening, she told me what her plans were for the next few days - and a couple of things really stood out to me. 1) She has to go look at cars, because she's getting rid of hers & leasing a new one. Now, if she really wanted to see me, it seems like she could have invited me along. 2) She has tentative dinner plans with someone either Friday or Saturday (I can't remember). a) Normally, I wouldn't think twice about it, but every time she mentions having plans, she's comes across as really evasive about what she's doing & who she's doing it with. Makes me think she's trying to keep/hide something from me. b) If spending time with me was at all important to her anymore, it seems she would have made time for us to have lunch or something this weekend. She didn't, and didn't even mention it, which tells me a lot.
She's also irritated with me for something that I can completely understand, but is one of my quirks, I guess. I won't tell her my age. I don't recall if I've ever explained my reasons for this here (if not, let me know, and I'll do that in another entry). She tried to read more into it than there really is - thinking I'm being intentionally evasive, and therefore, what else am I hiding; thinking I'm trying to create an imbalance/power differential in the relationship, etc. I mean, I've been as open with her as I have been with my last two exes, and just a bit less than with my counselor. I've told her things about my nature that I wouldn't be comfortable telling anyone else (aside from the aforementioned). She just can't/isn't willing to accept my reasons for not wanting to discuss age.
My point in all this is that I think she's going to tell me to essentially shove off. I gave her the option of emailing me about all of this, rather than talking in person, and she said that, because of her limited time, that might be best. I told her to go ahead and write me when she got a chance, so now I'm just waiting on that. In a way, I'm a bit relieved - she's intelligent, she's beautiful, and seems really sweet, but there have been things that have made me uncomfortable about her (most of which I tried to ignore, to keep an open mind about & not jump to conclusions). The whole "psychologist-ish" field that she works in made me wary of her trying to analyze everything. She has a knack for remembering every conversation, *word for word*, and she actually used that in one of our "dicsussions" to throw something back at me that I thought we'd resolved weeks before. That annoys me. And she has some pretty deep, unresolved "daddy"/parent issues that I really don't want to deal with.
And so I don't focus entirely on her "issues", I really, honestly think that I'm not going to be able to get past a certain level of intimacy with anyone again. I think that, if we were to continue, I would end up hurting her by not being able to fully invest in the relationship. I think my ex was right, that I'll just end up pushing everyone away eventually. I think I'm destined for one of two things; several short (2-3 yrs) moderately shallow relationships over the course of my lifetime, or a life of solitude, finding things to occupy my time until I die. (I actually laughed when I wrote that just now - I find it ironic that I both want to live to be 150 or more, and yet fully expect to live all of those years alone, which seems like something one would want to avoid by dying sooner rather than later. Isn't that kind of stupid?)
I have to wonder if my high standards for what I want in a girl are less about what I actually want, and more about keeping them at bay, so I don't have to risk my feelings. And then I think, "you obviously want to be close to/intimate with someone, or else you wouldn't spend so much time pondering it!". I also think, the longer it takes to find someone, the less likely it is to happen. All the "good ones" end up taken.
10:54 a.m. - 2010-08-27
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