Regarding my last entry - it took all I had not to go back & delete that. I don't want this journal to wind up being a whiny, depressing thing. However, with that being said, if you don't want to dwell on negativity I suggest skipping this entry.
I *really* feel like drinking right now. Things are getting down to the wire. I just found out how much I am eligible for, on unemployment, and after taxes, it will *just* make my house payment. Even if I work the max amount I can while still being eligible for unemployment, I won't be able to make my bills. I can't even shut off enough things to make them. I have no credit debt, other than the house payment - everything else is fuel, food, electric, cable/internet, trash, car ins., phone, and haircuts so I can still look presentable enough to get a job. the only one of these i can get rid of is the trash, but it's only $20/mo. the cable is ridiculously cheap ($15/mo), no point in killing that. I need internet for job searches & contacts out-of-state, and phone for the same reason. I can sell a couple cars & drop the car insurance, but with the multi-car discount I get now, it won't save me any money. I've reduced/eliminated everything I can, in all practicality, so I'm fucked.
I'm going to have to talk to the guys at this part-time job & tell them that if they can't start getting me at least 30-35hrs a week, I might have to move & would only be able to drive back to work for them on the weekends. I've got about 3 weeks before I have nothing but unemployment income. It's true that I have a bunch of money in savings, but it's fucking stupid to blow all that on this worthless house, thereby making me unable to afford to pay cash for a place, and anyway, if I wasn't working within the next 6 months or so, I'd end up literally living out of my car. I'm stressed out.
I have no job leads, I *feel* like I'm about to be homeless at any minute, and to top things off, my grandmother got a call a couple days ago about a cousin of mine who's been having some medical issues within the last year or two. Seems nobody's been able to find anything wrong with him; they keep sending him home, telling him to take it easy, rest up, etc. He's been to a bunch of clinics, even the Mayo, and was scheduled to go to another in Ohio the next week. Well, apparently, he couldn't take it anymore, wrote a bnuch of notes, called 911 to tell them where he was, & killed himself. He left a wife & kids, and a lot of extended family behind. It's the same thing that went down with my father - he had medical issues, couldn't work anymore, couldn't even get around by himself very easily, so he bought a gun & shot himself. The circumstances were eerily similar, and have kind of weirded me out & brought up a bunch of shit I thought I'd dealt with.
And with all this going on, it's brought to the forefront one glaringly obvious, and painful realization - I have nobody but an insurance-covered psychologist to talk to about anything (and he'll be gone at the end of the month, when my insurance runs out). I'm alone, and I'm really feeling it now. Having friends is really no help in this aspect, because while I know I can talk with them, I don't feel able to open up completely with anyone of them. i don't show my vulnerable side to anyone, except the women I'm involved with. I've never felt able to do so with *anyone* else, ever (therapist aside). On the few rare occasions I've let a bit of emotion slip in front of others, it's freaked them out so much that they can't interact with me. I'm typically such a rock, constantly appearing to have it together & having a reputation for stability & calmness & acceptance, that people can't deal with anything else from me; and so I can't allow them to see it. What all this is leading to, (getting back to the topic at hand) is as I said, the glaringly obvious fact that I'm alone & don't have anyone in my life, relationship-wise. I feel empty without that emotional connection, no matter how hard I try to deny it to myself. I miss it. I want it. I think I need it. It's why I cried during the movie the other day - in a cheesy way, that's exactly what it was about, needing someone, and opening yourself up to it/them. It made me sad because I just can't seem to do it. Of course, I'm having a terrible time finding anyone I think would be worth opening up to, but even if I did, I don't think I'd be able to.
I just don't know if I can handle this all on my own. That doesn't matter though, because I really don't have a choice in it. The one thing I *do* know? I'm tired of being an island...
6:44 p.m. - 2010-05-10
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