I'm not sure what did it, or exactly when it happened, but I noticed a day or so ago, that I no longer have this black cloud hanging over my head - I'm actually feeling better (not quite good yet, but no longer hopeless). I don't know why, nothing's happened that would be considered positive; in fact, I've had a couplefew things really irritate/piss me off recently, that should have made things worse, but didn't. Maybe I just don't care anymore!? That could be it, that I don't even care enough now to be upset by things... I can't find a house that I like, in my range (and I've raised that to 45k), I've had 4 vehicle batteries go bad on me. (three were due to sitting for months, the other just went bad). Got flaked on again by the Joker this past weekend, have had some serious back/neck/shoulder pain since the last cycle ride out east. (bad enough that I had to leave work early one day, had it trigger a migraine another day). I could go on, but there's no point.
Anyway, I had been feeling like my life was on hold; I'd been so relieved at the idea of leaving my house & "starting over" so to speak, that I had mentally decided to wait until then to affect any changes in my life. Finding a house is taking much longer than I had expected, and I'm realizing that I can't wait any longer. I'm getting my vehicles ready to sell, I'm going to start packing up the house, etc. I have a golf outing to go to this weekend, a biker thing next weekend, and of course ITLAPD next Saturday. I'm busy, I have things to do, but strangely, I'm not really looking forward to any of them.
I guess, even if I'm not feeling down, the simple fact that I'm not looking forward to anything means I'm still not doing well, yes? I wonder if it will change once I'm out of this place, and into a new house? I'll have money to buy new things like clothes, maybe a new car (after fixing up the ones I have now). I wonder if that will help? I wonder if then, I'll feel that I can move on, start to do the things I want to (not that I know what those things might be yet...).
I was going to write more, but I suddenly came over all "fuck it, I don't feel like it anymore." I'm frustrated now.
Grrr...
11:45 a.m. - 2009-09-11
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