I still can't sleep for anything - I'm resetting my snooze alarm 3 times every morning (that gives me 9 hits on the snooze bar!) and I'm still dragging. Was in bed for 7 hrs last night, but I don't think I actually slept that much. I also think that my workouts are keeping me awake, as they tend to be later at night. I'm taking a break from exercise tonight, and will try to go to bed around 10pm, see if sleeping in helps at all.
I'm also feeling a bit embarrassed/self-conscious about a couple things. 1) I've been posting on an online fitness forum for a while now, and I've posted a few pictures for a friendly contest we started in April. I posted up my "after" pics last night, and I look exactly the same (to me). I honestly feel kind of stupid, like even though I've been trying my best to keep at it & make progress, my best sucks, and I might as well not waste my time. That's how I *feel*, even though I know it's not really true. So I'm feeling a bit down on myself for that. Also, it seems that recently (last couple weeks) no matter what I post on the forum, I never get any responses from anyone, no acknowledgment. It shouldn't matter, really, but it makes me wonder why I bother posting there at all, if I'm not getting any interaction/input. I think it might be time for a break.
Another thing that has me a bit self-conscious is that I sent a message to the Joker about a new picture of her that's up online. It was a fairly simple, straight-forward comment, and yet I can't help but feel a bit embarrassed/shy about having sent it now. It was a really hot picture, and the best I could come up with was, literally, this; "uuh... wow." WTF? I mean, that's how I felt when I saw it, but, I don't know, I just kind of feel foolish. At least, I guess, it's a little more obvious than most of our communications. I wonder how, or even if, she'll reply to it!?
I'm starting to feel a reclusive spell coming on. I know I really should be sure to go over to see my friend(s) this weekend, so I hope I'll feel better by then. Right now, though, i don't see myself going.
On a separate note, I think I need to explore this reclusive reaction, the cause, and the reasons behind it, a bit more. Perhaps in the next journal entry. Then again, by the time I get to it, I might not really care.
P.S. Just got a call from my realtor - he can't do anything to help me out. Deed-in-lieu will affect my credit just the same as a foreclosure. I don't know if I can bring myself to do it, honestly. I've never defaulted on anything in my life. And now, I don't even know if I can just walk away from it, because I've no idea if they can garnish my wages, or lay claim to any of my personal belonging, which means I would have to consult a lawyer, which costs money that, while I have it, is meant for other things. Aside from that, how in the fuck can I rent an apartment, when I have an outstanding mortgage? Who would rent to me?
Goddamnit, I fucking hate this! I'm stuck, in this house, for life. While I'm not the type for it, I can see why people can give up & check out. No love life, slave to a job, house that could literally fall down in the next big storm, no happy foreseeable future. Seriously, what's the point? How does one live a happy life in such circumstances? And if one can't, why bother in the first place!?
It's days like today that make me remember why I hate my life sometimes.
11:00 a.m. - 2009-07-14
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