I had a somewhat disturbing dream this morning - without going into the details of the dream, I'll just say that in it, I "tipped my hand" a bit too much, and the girl with whom I was having a conversation (a representation of my lifelong "crush") figured out the depth of my feeling for her, and was aghast at the thought. (and I don't mean just stunned or surprised - she was almost disgusted) Of course, after seeing her reaction, I tried to deny, to downplay, etc. but it was pointless by then. Even now, I can still see the look of horror on her face, and it's still really affecting me. I'm feeling very withdrawn, isolated, emotionally reclusive.
It's obviously rooted in some fear that I have, likely a fear of rejection, of allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable and having my feelings crushed. It makes sense, but I don't know where it came from, why it came about this morning. I can't pinpoint anything that would have triggered it recently, aside from the fact that I've been somewhat lamenting the fact that I'm not having any luck coming up with a way for me to meet someone I might be interested in dating. Of course, that still doesn't explain why the dread was so prevalent in the dream, nor why my mind felt the need to explore the topic in the first place!?
End result, I'm sad, discouraged, disheartened.
*sigh*
10:36 a.m. - 2009-04-14
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