So GRJ called me last night and we talked for almost an hour. I'm not sure exactly why she called, other than the thought that she doesn't really have anyone to share her happiness with, that isn't an ass about it. She's met a great guy, and things are going really well - he made two major steps with her this past week or so - he said "those three little words", and a few days later, gave her a key to his house! i mean, it's cool, but i'm concerned for her, because she's getting in pretty deep, and he's not quite fully divorced yet. They've been staying together quite a bit, too - in fact, she's been at his place the last 5 days, until last night. They'll be on their own for the next few days, which I think is good - slow things down a bit, get back to your own space.
I wonder though, if I'm right? I mean, I'm not exactly the most successful guy when it comes to relationships. Maybe I'm too cautious, and she's the one who's doing things right? All i know is that I'm torn between encouraging her, offering my views on things, and being happy that she wants to talk to me about it, and wishing she'd not tell me anything about it at all. It's really difficult for me to be positive about her success, when I'm feeling like such a failure in this area. The more she tells me about how well things are going, the more I realize just how much I'm missing by being single. It makes me sad - it highlights the empiness, the loneliness, the lack.
Don't get me wrong - I mean, things are good with me, but there's this underlying void that seems to permeate everything... whenever I find something cool, or try something new, or have a success in my life, I find myself wanting to share it with someone. Even the little things; a new "best" time on my running, a new song I've learned, a new bit of health science I find interesting... Mentally, I actually catch myself saying, "Hey, check this out!". Of course, then I realize there's nobody to tell it to, and it kind of deflates the energy of the moment.
It's true, we shouldn't need anyone to live, or to be happy, but it's also true that having someone in your life can make it that much more satisfying, that much more full. Of course, that's if it's the right person - the wrong person will just make things worse. Maybe that's why I'm always so hesitant to get involved with anyone - I have a 100% failure rate when it comes to picking the right one. (Not to imply they were bad experiences, just that it was pretty obvious from the start that they wouldn't go the distance) Now that I think about it, though, everyone has a 100% failure rate, until they find "the one" and grow old & die with them, right?
So, the question that just popped into my head - just how happy can a person be, alone? No matter the close family ties, or the number of friends one has; no matter the amount, or relative excitement, of activities, is it ever enough to make up for not having that kind of relationship in your life? For me, it's seems like a good question to ponder, because I really have no idea - it doesn't seem likely, though...
12:50 p.m. - 2009-03-12
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