jarofporter

I kind of get now why I choose to spend the majority of my life alone in my house. Life out in the real world sucks. It's full of pain, disappointment, betrayal, tragedy, loss - I've heard that there are other things, like friendship, comaraderie, even joy, peace, happiness, love, but for me, these things are just rumours. The only things I seem to see/experience are the negative ones, and it's been that way for decades now, unintentional as it is.

Life in my house, spent getting lost in fantasy worlds of tv shows, movies, anime, etc, is safe. I can control what I experience, and if I don't like it, I can change it. And if I can't change it, I can take some meds & go to sleep until I feel better. And if I can't sleep? Well, I haven't resolved that one yet. When I experience any of the negative things I mentioned above with others, it's not just anxiety-inducing, it actually damages both my physical and mental health. I can't cope on my own, my mind is my own worst enemy. I imagine things might be easier if I had at least one or two people on whom I could rely for emotional support, but I don't (IRL, I mean).

I think that when people experience pain & loss, they tend to react in one of two ways; they either reach out to people to find comfort, connection, commiseration, emotional support, or they retreat from people to avoid the inevitability of more pain/loss. I seem to be one of the latter. I'm my own worst enemy, because my mental health issues cause me to isolate when depressed/hurt/traumatized - I can't really reach out, because I know that while I may get a reply (unlikely), I won't get any meaningful connection or comfort, and that can sometimes hurt more than feeling abandoned by the people who once actually gave a shit about me. Even if that's not really the case, it can feel like it.

I don't know where I'm even going with this, other than I think my inherent nature will likely prevent me from ever finding happiness again in life. Feeling like I'm only still here to kill time makes me wonder why I am.

Hopefully, I'll feel better in the morning.

10:33 p.m. - 2023-12-05