I guess I have to start somewhere...
I had lunch with my ma again last Saturday. It was a bit trying/wearying, but I made it through alright. We had brunch at a local place, and got there about an hour before they closed (they close early on the weekends, like, 3p). We had plenty of time, but, as is my ma's nature, she ran into people she knew & invited them to join us. The new crowd didn't get there until maybe 10-15 minutes before close, and ordered food. This is a pet peeve of mine, as I never want to be the reason service workers have to stay at their jobs longer, but it was beyond my control.
Since these people were her age or older, the conversation was tedious - lots of discussions of health issues, who's died/dying (they had just gotten back from planning for a funeral for a friend of theirs). I was sympathetic, but ultimately had little to add, and to be honest, it was more than a bit depressing. They seemed like nice people though, and I rarely socialize, so it wasn't all bad.
As an aside, ma was supposed to have brought a couple things for me that we'd discussed last time we met (an old laptop she no longer wanted, and my gma's old blood pressure machine). I'd bought a BP machine but didn't like it & returned it, so this was helpful. Unfortunately, she'd forgotten them (can't blame her), so we made plans for me to stop by her place later that evening, as I had a date out of town shortly thereafter (I'll write about that in the next entry).
I got to ma's house afterwards (around 8-8:15p), and she wanted to continue talking (which was fine). At one point in our conversation though, things got real. I'm not sure how it came up, but we were talking about my dad, his odd behavior through life, and how things were for them when my sis & I came around. I won't go into those details, but ma finally confided in me that yes, my dad had been physically abusive to her on several occasions, one of which she described in some detail. It wasn't really a shock as I'd already had an idea of it, but having confirmation was surprisingly upsetting to me - not intellectually, but physically. I realized that my arms/hands were tingling & I was feeling a slight rush of adrenaline, which was unexpected. Ma worried that she shouldn't have told me, but I assured her I was glad to know, because I'd had him on a sort of fictional 'pedestal', and it was best to be able to put him in proper perspective. It just occurred to me, but I imagine at this point that it'll be much easier to let go of and/or discard a bunch of his things I'd been hanging on to all these years. I'll likely keep some, as ma & I both agreed that while his behavior was entirely his responsibility, it wasn't really his fault (if that makes sense), because he never had proper behavior/emotional intimacy/conflict resolution modeled to him as a child, because his entire family was so socially/emotionally repressed. He was also an alcoholic and pot addict (and possibly other drugs?), and that likely led to his paranoia & strange behavior in later years.
Anyway, while the lunch and visit were trying, there was also some good that came from it. I'm just not built for that kind of emotional work on a regular/frequent basis, and will definitely need a break from interactions with her for a while.
4:58 p.m. - 2024-03-22
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And now for something... Completely different! - 2024-03-23
Saturday date. - 2024-03-22
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