The last couple weeks have been rough, stress-wise.
1) The main network drive for my department at work crashed almost two weeks ago. We can't do *any* work without it. This drive was supposed to have been backed up to the network every evening, but at some point a few years back, the company outsourced those IT functions to a data center in India, taking it entirely out of our local control, and apparently, they dropped the ball. 15+ Terabytes of data, unavailable, and no backup for us to switch to. I've been trying to come up with work-arounds, but literally everything we do relies on that drive! Once it's back up, I'll be working with my coworker & boss to develop a contingency plan for the next time it happens, so the department will be able to continue work. Anyway, my anxiety over this (and my frustration with how IT let it happen in the 1st place) has had me on edge the whole time.
2) I'm having anxiety about the lack of connection with the ENM gal I've been getting to know from the dating site. I'm frustrated & kind of let down that, again, there doesn't seem to be a 'connection'. As I mentioned to a friend earlier, when I 1st met Viv, GRJ, and CC, I was almost immediately 'intrigued, curious, and wanting to know more' about them right from the start. I'm wondering if it's just that I'm not finding the right women for me, or if, indeed, my expectations are too high, and I need to accept that I might never feel that way about anyone again? Anyway, my anxiety is up over this too, because I know I'm going to have to have a discussion about how I'm not feeling it & we should stop seeing each other. I really dislike those talks (but I guess everyone does, right?).
3) I'm having issues with my TRT clinic. I tried to schedule a consult yesterday, but the gal I usually talk to said in her reply that (paraphrasing), "before we can talk again, we'll need to run another full blood panel, and you, me, and the 'head consultant' can get on a group call to discuss my results". This means that the prick of an owner I got in the argument with a while back, is now essentially 'gatekeeping' my ability to even get questions answered, on top of being an overbearing, egotistical gas-lighting ass. Problem is, I think he has the ability to decide to discontinue my treatment, and I'm actually pretty scared of having to go back to my previous condition. This TRT therapy has essentially eliminated my depression symptoms, and I haven't had a serious 'down' episode in a couple months (or if I have & forgot, it obviously wasn't that bad, like it used to be). My fear with stopping is that, by contrast, my depression will feel multiple times worse, and what if my suicidal ideation gets stronger/stops being ideation? I'm having a hard time believing this guy is willing to risk my life over his arrogance & my refusal to buy an unnecessary treatment from him. I'm also really anxious about how that 'consultation' will go, as any kind of confrontation like that spikes my adrenaline & causes me to get cold/clammy & start shaking. Anyway, I'm going to start seriously searching for other options, because I need a backup plan. If this round of blood work is ok, things might go smoothly, but if anything is out, he'll have more ammunition to try to force me into something else he wants to sell me, and I can't handle that on an ongoing basis.
4) My overnight resting heart rate continues to be elevated (low-mid 70s), even after several months of treatment, and my HRV (heart rate variability) is tanked. Last night's was 12, and last year, it was continuously averaging 28-30 ( athletes' HRV can be upwards of 50-80, even 100+). I thought it was the TRT, but I'm beginning to think I'm overdoing it again (just as I always do), and that maybe I need to start dialing things back. I'm lifting 4 days/week in the morning before work (1.5hrs average, M/Tu, Th/F), then on those days, when I get home I row for 10 minutes to warm up, then cold tub for 4-6 minutes, wait 20 min or so to allow my body to try to warm on it's own, then sauna for 25 (temps consistently up to 205°F). On Wed, I row for 30 minutes before work, but nothing more usually, and sometimes, I do strongman-type workouts on Saturday. Honestly, even with all that, I still feel 10 times better than I did before starting TRT, but maybe it's still too much? I've decided that I'm going to drop all of the after-work protocol for a couple weeks to see if my sleep/overnight HR/HRV improves. No cold tub, no sauna during the week at all (maybe one day on the weekends?). I'm sad, because I'm really enjoying it, but my sleep continues to degrade, which means it's not sustainable. *sigh*
5) Even though I've been looking forward to it, I'm also anxious about going back to the gym for strongman training. Even though I know a few people, I'm still self-conscious about my current (lack of) strength, and even about what I should wear!? I don't have the fancy attire that most of these gym-goers do, and even though I shouldn't care what anyone thinks about me, I feel like they'll all be judging me. Intellectually, I know it's unlikely, but this is my inner bully talking, and he's very persuasive. I'm also concerned I'm going to embarrass myself again by fucking something up/dropping something/injuring myself (which has happened in the past). Also, it's just anxiety-inducing for me just being around new people in general.
I guess my point in this long-winded diatribe is that I'm really stressed out, and could really use a friend, some companionship close by, but as that doesn't exist, I'm left to emote here, which honestly doesn't really do me much good. :-/
6:28 p.m. - 2024-02-02
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