I went to a music show tonoght, for a band I haven't seen play in years. I spent all of 30 seconds saying hi before the started playing, and less than ten minutes 'catching up' with them afterwards. The entirety of that after-convo entailed my asking what they'd been up to, and of them telling me the same. No questioning of my status in the least. It's disappointing , after so many years, to try to connect with people and have them not reciprocate.
I stopped at two other locations as well, as I'd decided to go ahead and have a few drinks. the 2nd place afforded me an opportunity to connect with another person I haven't talked to in months, but that convo was mostly about his troubles with his ex, and again, nothing about what's been going on with me. Fine, I get it, I'm good at those kinds of conversations, whatever.
Last place I went, I ran into Jen @ the well. This was a relatively even exchange, and one I ended up appreciating. She's a great kid, and I have this desire to help her in whatever way I can. She confided in me that our conversations are much more involved/intimate than those she has with anyone else (meaning, she tells me things she doesn't tell others), and I'm always appreciative of her openness. She also gives me really good hugs, which is something I otherwise never have. I appreciate her, and our connection. It's too bad that she's one of only two people in my area I feel this way about.
Every time I put effort into trying to connect with others, I feel constantly/consistently let down. I feel like I should give up. I'm tired of being alone all the time, but I'm also tired of putting effort into changing that. TBH, I'm kind of tired of life. I've been alone for over a decade (or at least, close to it), and there seems to be no chance of that changing, so I'm left wondering why I should even bother trying to change my life's outcome. It's obvious at this point that I'm never going to meet anyone, relationship-wise, and barring that, why do I care about the rest? It's all just a big let-down.
Life sucks, then you die. At least for people like me.
1:35 a.m. - 2023-11-19
Recent entries:
Sad news. - 2023-12-05
Down. - 2023-12-05
Frustrated again. - 2023-11-22
Ruminations on health-related stuff. - 2023-11-19
Addendum. - 2023-11-19
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