I'll admit, there's a small part of me that's happy I can drink/get drunk, because when I do, my mind shuts down (for the most part). I may dwell on some negatives, but it's always in the context of "I really don't care anymore". Drinking allows me to relax, to let go of the things my mind seems to attach itself to, that make me so miserable about my current life.
Nights like these, I realize I'll always be alone, and I'll always be the only person responsible for taking care of things in my life. There is no help, there is no support, and there never has been, just as it's been since I moved out on my own when I was 18 yrs old. There is no one on whom I can rely, and there never will be. Whether this is the actual truth, or just my conviction, I don't know, but either way, it's my current experience.
Every night I go out, I try to open my heart to the possibility of meeting someone. Every night I get home, I tell myself not to bother next time, because it's always the same result.
I think I'm an unlovable person. I think the only thing I can truly be, is a warning to others to not be like me. I think I will die, not so old, but severely lonely, in a manner that nobody will even notice. I think (feel?) there is no positive future for me. This is only my current thought pattern, and I readily admit I'll probably look back on this entry and be embarrassed, and self-conscious, and I may even think to delete it, but honestly, why? It's my current truth, and it honestly doesn't matter to anyone.
I feel like a blip on a radar that someone decides in just noise & chooses to ignore. I wonder if I'll feel better tomorrow, after I get some sleep?
9:58 p.m. - 2023-08-11
Recent entries:
No motivation to write. - 2023-08-20
すべてのことを少しだけ - 2023-08-18
Unintentional persistance. - 2023-08-16
A bit of progress? - 2023-08-14
Missing Sarah. - 2023-08-11
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