Today, I was thinking about what I wrote last night, when I realized something.
It's not like I haven't been trying to make friends & change my life circumstances. I was looking back through my old journals, and it seems like I started trying to make friends/meet people back in 2004 (possibly earlier, as I met the German in 2001-2?); shooting pool, going to (bar) holiday parties, etc. Since then, on reflection, I think I've actually done quite a lot to try to change my life.
Aside from the aforementioned pool & parties, I've been regularly (until the last year or so) going to live music shows, costume parties, house-warming parties, 'makers' events, festivals, cook-offs, charity events, the goth club in Detroit & the 80's night in town (where I met/got to know both GRJ and Viv), tried out for 3-4 bands, learned how to play bass & actually joined a band (was with them for 3-4 years?), learned to play acoustic guitar & did several open mic nights, sung karaoke multiple times per week for a while. I joined up with some bikers & took an out-of-state road trip with maybe a dozen of them (as well as taking my own cycle trip). I've met/stayed with people I got to know from this website, even from different countries. I tried a German language meetup, I've done trivia nights, I've played pinball, table tennis, gone bowling (and played pool, as I mentioned), ran a 5K with a group of people I knew, joined up/trained with a group of strongmen. I'm a senior moderator on a discussion board, and am a member of several others. And through it all, I've been the guy people come to with their problems, the one who listens & understands & can offer good advice, or even a sympathetic ear.
Looking back on it all, I feel like I can lighten up on myself. It's not really my fault - I'm just different, always have been. I *have* been trying, it's just obvious that I suck at making connections, or even understanding people (I still think it's and ASD issue). I mean, it seems to me that anyone else who'd been this active for that many years, would have at least made a few close friends by now, or even found a girlfriend or two.
What it really comes down to, is that the issue lies with me. I don't understand what 'normal' people get intuitively. I've spent my entire life studying people to learn those things that everyone else just *gets*, but it just doesn't seem like I've done enough, and I'm tired of trying to fit in.
3:45 p.m. - 2022-09-15
Recent entries:
Workouts, gut health, and dating messages - 2022-10-02
Slight regression, and dating reply. - 2022-09-29
Progress, and not. - 2022-09-27
Sick of pain - 2022-09-25
Still sleeping like shit. - 2022-09-20
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