I did manage to realize something about that whole 'situation' yesterday. The negative feelings that came over me were entirely due to my desire to go out/meet up with people/socialize/do something with my day, but feeling unable to, because I have no friends around here I can call to hang out (and I'm trying to stay out of bars/pubs/breweries again). The few people I know that might actually be open to it have kids/families and are unavailable for spur-of-the-moment outings/get-togethers.
After realizing how alone that made me feel, even doing things on my own seemed pointless/a waste of time. Then, I felt guilty about not doing anything because it was such a nice, sunny day & I shouldn't have been wasting it sitting inside doing nothing.
After that, everything seemed like a waste of time, or money, or both. That led to the idea of "if I'm not doing/sharing things with others, what's the point of life?", and thus, the downward spiral. Funny thing is, I did eventually decide to drive out to the lake to sit on the pier for a while. As soon as I left though, I realized how late it was, and rather than go, I went for groceries & came home. Knowing I didn't have time to waste anymore (due to needing to cook dinners for the week, etc), I no longer felt guilty, and therefore my mood began to improve noticeably. I even found myself laughing while eating dinner & watching a show!
I'm not sure what to do with this information yet, but it's good to know. I don't have a clue how to change that 'no friends' dynamic though, because I've been trying my best to make friends for literally decades now, and I still have none (here in town, that is). Either I suck at it, or I'm just too different for other people to want to befriend.
2:59 p.m. - 2019-05-06
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