Several times today, I found myself remembering what day it was, and that I'd decided not to go for my annual visit this year, and I found myself immediately anxious, stomach doing flippy things for several seconds, but then settling down.
That's it, it's done. The yearly cycle is broken, and can't be repaired or corrected. I'm feeling a lot of guilt over it, even though I know it was probably for the best. He would've been 18 last year, the same age I was when I moved out on my own, and that was really the deciding factor in ending the yearly tradition. I don't know if I'll ever be ok with this 'holiday', and I don't know if I'll be ok with my decision, but all I can do now is move forward & try not to dwell.
7:40 p.m. - 2019-02-14
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