I was struggling with what to do with myself yesterday. I watched a couple shows, I played a couple songs on guitar, but it was so bright & sunny out, I didn't want to be in the house. I got in my truck, and after stopping for gas, headed out to South Haven, taking back roads for the 1st part of the trip. The roads ended up being fine after the sun came out so it was a nice drive. I got to the bluff on the south side of the channel, overlooking the lakeshore, parked the truck & got out to sit on one of the four benches that have been installed there, through 'generous donations' of local patrons. (The quotes are in no way meant to mock, the benches are a great and much-appreciated addition to the area.)
It was cold (20°F), so I only sat for about 30 minutes, but the breeze coming off the lake was refreshing. After 5 minutes or so, the birds started showing up, flying in to land on the dried brush of the bluff not 10 feet in front of me. It was fun to sit & watch them hop from branch to branch, then fly off. I took a few pictures, of the lake, the south pier, the cooling towers of the nuclear plant just down the coast. They didn't turn out so well, but what can you expect from a phone that had gone from being in my pocket, to 20° air temps?
When I got in my truck to head home, I found myself struggling to not stop into one of the local breweries. This was always my go-to when I was feeling lonely/isolated & needed to get away, and it's an urge that's difficult to deal with. I did manage to find my way home without stopping off anywhere, but I became curious about something and I decided to try an experiment. I bought a small bottle of my favorite rum & some diet cola to see if I reacted the same way to it as I had to the craft beer the previous weekend. Unfortunately, the smallest bottle they sold was a 1/5th, but it was only $7 so I figured, why not? I would've spent more than that, had I gone out one to a bar for just one night. It's a mellow spiced rum, only 35%, so I knew it wouldn't get me really drunk, as my curiosity was more about how I would feel about the process.
Anyway, I had a few drinks - the ritual of it was somewhat enjoyable, as I sat & watched a few more shows. I didn't get wasted, I didn't really even get much of a buzz, but I did notice myself tending towards greater loneliness towards the end of the evening. I ended up watching a bunch of youtube videos (for some reason, this song popped into my head & I followed that thread with other songs that caught my attention (this one, then this one), and a few more until I ended on this one, which I posted (and summarily deleted) last night.
I awoke this morning and could actually feel the effects of the alcohol on my body; very slight headache, a general uneasiness, muscles a little more sore than usual. I lay in bed for a while thinking on this, wondering if the temporary reprieve from my loneliness/depression that drinking used to afford me was really worth not only the monetary cost or the wasted time, but also the physical & mental detriment.
I got up, started some coffee brewing, and proceeded to dump the entire bottle down the sink drain. I don't know how long this will last, but at this point, drinking doesn't feel like a valid solution/crutch anymore. So many things seem to have changed in my life since the new year... Dry January/not going to bars, the whole Wim H0f method, trying to get back into running again, intermittent fasting... It's not just the changes made so far, but it's the desire to change things that's caught my attention. I've grown tired of my typical life, and I really want something new. My current problem is that I've no idea how to go about changing it. I'm still a dyed-in-the-wool introvert, I'm still painfully shy/awkward when meeting new people IRL, and and very uncomfortable in new situations, which makes me put up defensive walls around the real me. Sure I can find things to do in/around the house; I've got a bunch of home improvement projects to complete, I can work on my drawing, or guitar/bass/drums/etc., I could build some new exercise equipment that I've come up with in my head, I can get back to working on the Dodge, or being more consistent with my workouts, I can read more, or work on improving my FIRE spreadsheets in excel...
So many things to do, none of which are inherently social things. I suppose the exercise or music items could be, but they would require a lot of effort & 'putting myself out there' in order to make them so & I don't know if I have that kind of mental energy. Part of me wants to, but most of me is way too nervous to really consider it.
I realize none of this would've likely happened had I not met an amazing new online friend. We've had some of the most intellectually stimulating, eye-opening conversations; I've gained a whole new perspective on life that I didn't think possible, and I'm eternally grateful!
10:12 a.m. - 2019-02-10
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