Was watching a show today & there was a question in it that stuck with me - "what's the earliest memory you have of your father?". For me, it didn't matter if it was father or mother, but it got me thinking about my earliest memories. You know what?
All of my early memories are of me, just me, doing solitary things. Sure, I've seen pictures of me with my family doing stuff so I can remember those pictures, but for actual 'behind-the-eyes', 'aware-that-I'm-a-person' memories? All of them, alone, starting when I was about 2-3; playskool toys, 3D puzzles, toy cars. Even as I got older, the memories that stand out are always the ones when I'm by myself; playing in the yard, in the gravel beneath the front window, spending hours up the big maple tree we had, or hours in the basement working on plastic models (when I got a bit older, like 7-8 or so).
The first 'behind-the-eyes' memory I have that includes someone else is when someone in the family decided it'd be cute to have my younger cousin (think I've called her the Gambler before) walk over & give me a kiss. She was still walking a bit unsteady, so we must have been very young (she's 2 yrs younger than I am).
Anyway, I don't remember looking at my mom or dad until much, much later. I'm sure I did, but trying to recall them now? None of the 'behind-the-eyes' memories of them start until my teens. I have plenty of external memories, sort of like watching my parents & myself from a high vantage point, but I'm sure all of those are implanted memories based on old photo albums.
It's weird, I remember things like the kind of carpet we had (old & new), the old console tv (and the later oak entertainment stand), couches, chairs, the paneling in the basement stairs, the carpet square samples my dad used to cover the basement floor. his old work room/bench, the old water heater/storage closet with the door that stuck on the concrete floor half-way through opening it. Hell, I even remember leaning over to watch the flame of the furnace when I was probably 3 or so. I don't however, remember them being in the house.Even in dreams, I'll sometimes be back there, going through the cupboards, looking around the garage, watching the old attic fan with the vent slats that would open up when you turned it on. I just can't see them through my own eyes. I was aware of them being there, could feel them, but see them? Nope. All of my memories in that house are alone; my sister isn't even in any of them. I have memories of friends too, but they're all a blur - the people, not the things. I remember some of the games we played by the items we used while playing, not because of the kids who were there. I remember riding bikes on dirt trails, I remember forts in the woods, I remember the neighbors yards that we played in, but the kids are all a blur too.
In my web browsing through the years, I've run across articles that say one of the signs your child might be autistic is lack of eye contact. My ma tells me I never had that issue and that she never noticed anything off.I mean, I remember my 1st address & phone number, I remember the carpet roll I used to take to kindergarten; the colors, the texture, I remember unraveling it's edges the first few weeks I had it. I remember getting the little chocolate milk cartons they would give us before "nap time". I remember my preschool; tearing my thumb open when it got stuck in a swing while jumping off; hiding under a table in a side room to get away from the other kids, just to have some alone/quiet time.
I remember all these things in vivid detail, and they're like photographs or home movies running through my mind, but the people (even the recent ones) are all a blur. I could probably go on for days (or longer) detailing most of these places. But the people? Not a chance.
It truly makes me wonder what's wrong with me.
11:08 p.m. - 2018-12-17
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