I'm going to be having a metric shit-ton of time off from work starting next month, and I'm struggling to come up with ways to spend my time without going stir-crazy. I always struggle with feeling isolated when I don't interact with people, and my depression usually gets much worse, so I've been trying to change my approach to life.
Most of my struggle stems from wanting friends/an SO, and I've not had any success in that department. I think what I need to do is create a life where I don't need any of them. Most of the things I like to do are solo anyway, so why not just design/pattern my life in a way that focuses on those things? Essentially, "fuck people, who needs 'em?". Just pretend the outside world doesn't exist beyond my coworkers, like it's just some 'matrix' script that's running in the background, and not real. If people aren't real, then I won't need to bother investing time/energy into trying to connect with them, and I won't be hurt/disappointed when we ultimately don't connect.
The best times in my life now are all of the nights when I have lucid dreams (which is most every night). I can live in that fictional world, interact, and know that when I wake up, it all goes away & I don't have to worry about any of it. Those dreams almost seem more real than waking life to me, and maybe that's how it should be. Maybe sleeping/dreaming is where I'm meant to be, because I'm most certainly not meant to be out in the world...
8:57 a.m. - 2018-10-27
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