Beautiful day here today, temps in the mid 80's, so I went out on the cycle. Not a lot of miles, but a long time - 5+ hrs (ok, I sat on a lake Michigan pier for a half-hour & stopped to get gas once). Really enjoyed it while I was out, but after being home for a while, it's hit me again. The day would have been a hundred times better if I could have shared it with someone.
It's fucking discouraging, and I feel like I'm going to end up like my dad, or my uncle J; not-so-old, alone, & dead. It really feels like that would be the most useful thing. My whole life is self-contained. I work to pay bills & be able to afford to eat & have a vehicle, just so I can drive to work, so that I can pay bills & afford to eat., etc. Remove any of these things & the others are superfluous. Remove them all & I'm superfluous. There's nothing I do, no function in society or life, that couldn't get by just as well without me. Someone would get my house/stuff or it would go to a land-fill, someone would take my job, and I see my family so rarely that they wouldn't know I was gone for months, so how much could I really be missed?
I know this is just my depression talking, and with some sleep tonight & coffee tomorrow, I'll feel better. It's just that right now, I'm bone-weary of being alone.I'm so very tired of looking for meaning in love. It's really the only place it could be though, I've looked everywhere else, but life is still meaningless. Ok, maybe pointless is a better word? It's all "what can I do to kill time until I die?". That's really all life is, you know.
11:06 p.m. - 2018-08-11
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