Just got back from the vet's with my ma, we had to put our puppy down tonight. I say ours because she was mine 1st, then my ma took her after my divorce. She was a toy rat terrier, born Sept 19th, 2000 (International Talk like a Pirate Day, believe it or not!) she would've been 18 this year (same as my son, which is probably why we got her in the 1st place!?)
Anyway, she'd been having a rough time of it for the last couple years; completely blind in one eye, mostly blind in the other, couldn't hear any more, she couldn't really move her back legs anymore, just kind of waddled around, lost of digestive issues, incontinence, and pretty bad anxiety issues. Quite often, she'd be walking towards something & then just stop & stare into space for a few minutes, like she lost track of what she was doing... Family & friends had been telling my ma since last year that it might be time, but ma wasn't ready yet. She finally decided that pup had had enough, and made the appointment for today. (Explanation below might be uncomfortable, if you're a bit sensitive)
It was tough seeing my ma in tears, but of course I understood. I came close a few times myself, honestly, and I'm sure I actually will soon enough. Anyway, without going into much detail, ma & her friend J stayed until they gave pup her anesthetic? so she'd be asleep, then they left & I stayed for the last injection that stopped her heart. She was a good pup & was very peaceful, aside from her trembling (which she almost always did, awake or asleep). I placed her on the table while my ma was leaving & I had to cradle her head to keep her upright, because she was completely limp from the 1st shot & I didn't want ma to see that. It was unintentional, but while holding her up, I could feel her heartbeat, and I could also feel it slow, then stop, after the final shot. I'd been stroking her head the whole time, and I didn't stop for a few minutes afterwards, because I believe that, even when the heart stops, the consciousness persists, if only for a little while, and I wanted her to know I was still with her.
My ma is going out of the country on a trip, which I think will be very good for her to help her come to terms with this decision. Had she stayed in town, she would've dwelled on it & made herself a mess. Since she'll be gone, I'm going to be picking up puppy's ashes in a couple days when I get the call, then will hang on to her until ma gets back. Until she does, I have a place on the mantle where she can sit, with the few family pictures I have, and right between pics of my dad & grandpa, both of whom are gone as well.
I know I wasn't going to, but I think I might need a drink tonight.
6:42 p.m. - 2018-05-09
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