It's funny, I was looking back over my archives & realized (again) that 90-95% of my entries (ok, maybe more) are about dissatisfaction/depression/how shitty 'life' is. Days like today, it's hard for me to believe I was ever that bad off, mentally. Not that today is great or anything, but I feel alright, and am not feeling negative at all. People talk about clinical depression as if it's some all-encompassing state of being, and if you have good days, you can't be clinically depressed because you're not crying/angry/wanting to die all the time.
I also ran across this info-graphic about autism masking & found myself really identifying with it, which makes me wonder if that might explain the trouble I have with social interactions, making friends, and maintaining relationships. "Autistic Masking is when a person on the autism spectrum mimics and uses social scripts learned from others." All my life, since I was a little kid, I've been watching people, trying to figure out what they do, how they interact with each other, how I'm supposed to behave. I feel like I've got a good handle on it now, but maybe that's just because after all this time, I've learned enough 'scripts' to get me through most common social interactions. Even so, I still have trouble reading things at times. I feel like I should wear a label that says 'Warning! May be autistic - doesn't understand people!' or something, because even though I can logically infer a lot about how to interact, it's not really an inherent trait. But, I guess it really doesn't matter, so long as I try my best to treat people well, right?
Enough of that, it's not even why I started to write. PMW (Pseudo-Michelle Williams, until I get her name right!) wasn't there last week when I went, so I didn't get a chance to talk with her. (I'm still having trouble deciding if I really want to take a chance on dating someone with a child still living at home...) Anyway, I then proceeded to bar hop for the rest of the night, and to make a long story short, drank enough that I only remember glimpses of what happened at the last bar I went to. I didn't act inappropriately, but it was enough to embarrass myself, and make me decide to grow up & quit the bar scene. I may still go out for a meal, or to see a band I know, but going out drinking has got to be the biggest waste of time I can think of in my life, and I don't want anything to do with it anymore. Aside from close friends, I don't even want to be around people whose lives revolve around the bar scene. I'm kind of disgusted with myself for wasting so many years of my life doing that, and it makes me sad that I've missed out on so much else I could've been doing. Such is life though, I guess. Live and learn.
Getting ready for a drive to Canada to visit lust- before she moves another few hours away. As it turns out, my ma has a cousin in the surrounding area to which she's moving. I had no idea - small world, I guess? Anyway, gotta go.
7:53 a.m. - 2018-04-28
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