After my last entry, I got to thinking about privilege. I have a good job w/benefits, a nice house, vehicle, and money in the bank. I think people equate that to my being privileged. I'm torn on that though. The only real privilege I've had in my life is that I was born a white male, and adopted into a white family. I fully realize that this made my life inherently easier than it is for people of color.
The part that confuses me about it is, that's really the end of it. I know that race is an inherent privilege, but I think there are a lot more things that convey it as well. My family life as a small child was stable financially, but we lived in fear of an emotionally distant/abusive father (and from everything I've been able to gather, most likely physically abusive to my mother as well, although nobody's ever admitted it when I asked). When my dad left (I was about 8), my ma was lost. I think she'd only had a couple of jobs in her entire life, and no higher education, so she got whatever job she could. She worked several jobs, and when one was over, she'd find another, always working more than one. (We were what they now call "latchkey kids"). She always provided for our basic needs, but her income was so low that in order to put food on the table, she'd go walking every night after work to collect soda/beer cans (worth 10 cents each here in Michigan). She'd usually come back with a couple grocery bags full. I started working when I was 13-14, mowing lawns for neighbors. That didn't last long, but then I got my 1st W-2 job in a city 15 miles away. It probably wasn't even worth the time & gas money it took to get there, but I had a job. I worked from that point on, only being unemployed twice in my life since; once when I was about 20, and then in 2009).
Even though I was "chosen" (adopted), I knew I didn't belong with them, and I never felt a connection (I'm sure that's been obvious if you've been reading here for long). Anyway, it became much more apparent when I was a teenager. Obviously, I must have been difficult, but when I was 15 or so (freshman year of high school) it got so bad between my ma & me that I ended up moving in with my dad. He was, let's say, "ill-equipped" to handle a teenager, and kicked me out several months later & I had to move back in with my ma. By the time I'd graduated, I'd had enough & moved out of my ma's & into my own apartment, and I've been on my own ever since. I've only ever lived with two people since, when I was married, and a few year after that, with Viv.
Hrm... I didn't mean to get into that much detail, but I guess my point is that the reason I'm torn about it is that there are many types of privilege aside from race/gender, and they can be just as important. Privilege of a stable family, privilege of emotional support, or financial support, where you're raised, education, the friends you have/don't have... I never went to college because I knew I couldn't afford it. I'd never even heard/been told of student loans, but if I had, I wouldn't have done it anyway because, how would I pay it back? I didn't talk to my family for a couple years after I moved out, so I was completely alone, but I made a go of it.
I feel like I'm getting off-track again. I guess what I'm getting at is that when I talk about my current status, my finances, job, etc. I get people who tell me I'm privileged to be in this position. While I acknowledge being a white male has definitely made things easier, I feel like people dismiss the hard work, the constant, continuous effort I've put in to building myself up, to educating myself, without any help from family or friends, financially, emotionally, or otherwise. I'm self-made, and there is some comfort in that for me.
Now that I'm looking at it, I think a part of this issue for me is wondering why I feel guilty for being where I am in life? I have a certain level of comfort, of financial stability, but I'm afraid to talk about it. After my divorce, I had to make a lot of tough financial decisions. I had to turn off services, greatly reduce my spending on everything, but I made it work. I stopped buying "frivolous" things like books, music, new clothes, etc. I became, by necessity, frugal, maybe even miserly. I'm not complaining (or even bragging), but I learned to maintain that attitude to some extent ever since. The amount I currently need to live on is only 150% of the federal poverty line. Yes I make more than that. Yes, I'm a single guy. I know people making almost the same as I do, and they're flat broke. Car payments, credit card debt, etc.
My point is, is it privilege that I have money/stability and they don't? Not really. I did have the advantage of being white, but some of my peers are too. They still insist that I'm privileged because I "have money". I wasn't given this money, I didn't inherit it, I earned it. I built this life, just me, no help, no support...
I'm sad that I have so much guilt about this. I'm sad that I feel so defensive. I'm sad that I feel I have to hide who I am. I know life is hard, and people are broke, and it's almost impossible to get ahead in this world, especially for people of color. I'm sad that people feel so beat down & defeated by the system that they can't see the point of putting any effort into trying to improve their lives. And just having written that, I feel like others will perceive that as my white privilege talking. It may be, because I'll never know how difficult life is being non-white. On the other hand, I feel that anyone should be able to say "fuck 'the man', I'm doing this".
I don't know, I'm really hesitant to post this. I fear coming across as an ignorant ass. Please feel free to politely point out anything I'm not seeing clearly, or anything that might help me to understand things better. If there's anything here that's offensive, it's not intentional, it's likely just the shitty cultural bias in which I was raised.
Ok, I'm going to post this before I chicken out & delete it. Of course, I may delete after I post it too, because we all know how much I love to do that, don't we... :-/
10:04 a.m. - 2018-02-04
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