I didn't hear back from CC for a week, so I texted again to make sure she was ok. I was a little concerned because I knew she was having relationship troubles, and I know that can be stressful, but I was also a little irritated, thinking that it really doesn't take much time to text a reply. Anyway, I got a reply yesterday, several hours afterwards, that explained - although she wasn't able to interview for the place near me, she's had other interviews while continuing to work. She also said that she's "living with a suicidal ex" (which means she did finally break up with him - no idea if they actually live together or not; that would really suck!), and on top of that, her aunt died last week.
This is precisely why I do my best to never get upset with people for not returning calls/texts/emails with me - you never know what someone else is going through. Hell, I've had occasions where I'm not dealing with anything beyond generalized depression, and haven't had the energy to reply, so I get it. Part of me really wants to talk to her, because I know how difficult breakups can be, as well as family loss. I told her I was sorry she's going through all of that, and that she can contact me any time if she wants to talk, but that I'd wait to hear from her before contacting her again (paraphrased).
I actually feel a little bit guilty too, honestly. Even though I feel for her, going through a breakup, part of me is happy she's single again, because it means there's a chance. Isn't that both dumb, and kind of callous? I know we all, by nature, think about how situations can benefit us, but I feel kind of like an asshole for feeling that way. I won't deny it of course, because it's a true feeling, but I still feel guilty. Besides, it's so unlikely that we'll ever meet up again (let alone date again) that I'm probably using it as an easy-out to avoid facing my dating issues.
Speaking of which, I extended the range on my dating website to 250 miles, and it turns out, all the women in whom I'm interested (and with whom I have the highest match percentage) live in major metropolitan areas (Chicago, Ann Arbor, Lansing, Windsor, Indianapolis, Bloomington, Milwaukee, even Manhattan (discovered inadvertently). While it's good to know that there actually are women I find attractive out there, there are (at least) two problems with this; 1) living in major cities like that, they have practically unlimited choices in people to date that live within just a few miles, why would they consider someone long-distance? 2) in my experience, most women who live in/come from bigger cities tend to be quite cultured, and while I'm not a "country bumpkin", I don't exactly fit into that society either, which leaves me feeling like I've nothing much to offer someone like that. Self-defeating? Yes, but also likely true. *shrugs*
I guess it doesn't really matter though, I'm not yet ready to put myself back out there at this point. I keep hoping something will happen organically, but there's little chance of that when I don't really socialize. On the other hand, I met CC through a discussion board online, so I guess anything can happen, right?
9:33am - 2017-2-26
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