There's so much shit going on in my head, and I've no way to let it out. And when I try, people pull back/don't return messages/emails/texts. I have to assume it's because I come across as a guy who won't reciprocate, somehow. I try to be helpful when I'm present, but I know myself, and I can't be someone who's there for everyone 24/7 - that's reserved for certain special people. i simply don't have the energy to support others, and myself at the same time. I do a pretty good job of ignoring my situation for the most part, I can pretend like things are fine and I have a life, if I don't look too closely.
I have to fill my life with banality. Work. TV. Online message boards. Fantasy books. Escapism. When I'm alone, whether it be at home or in a bar/pub, the nagging doubt pipes up. "You'll never be good enough to find someone"; "Your a freak that nobody could love"; "You have too many issues, who'd want to put up with you?"; etc... .
I hope (at least I try), but really, what is hope? Hope is a false promise of things not likely to come. Hope is the dream of a sleeper who can't wake up. That being the case, I guess it explains why I like to sleep - I dream, and that's the only place where my hopes seem to occasionally come true.
I'm rambling, and it's stupid, and I'll probably delete this tomorrow. If you have a negative comment, please save it until after I've deleted this. If it's positive, feel free to leave it, but I don't know if it'll help. More and more, I'm beginning to believe that nothing will help.
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