(This turned into a sort of 'stream-of-consciousness' post, I didn't start out intending to go where it did, but well, there it is...)
I was watching tv the other night, when I had a "mental image" flash of lust- (Hi! *waves*) and I, sitting on my L-shaped couch, just hanging out & talking & watching the show. It was a comfortable image/impression, like I could just be myself, no pressure, none of the constant worry about how others see me, etc. I wish I had those kinds of friends around here.
Thing is, I don't think I'll ever be able to hang out with anyone without feeling self-conscious. I'm self-conscious around my family, my co-workers, even the waitstaff at my local hangouts (and especially around attractive women). And I've been on my own for so long now, that I don't really know what's weird/odd/off-putting anymore. I live in my own head now, not in the real world - and my world is most unusual, I think.
I'm most comfortable when I'm on my own. Interaction with other beings is nerve-wracking, unless it's cats, or birds. It's funny, really, that the only thing guaranteed to bring a true smile to my face is interacting with kitties, or any time I get to see birds up close/in person. I could sit & watch a flock of birds hopping around on the ground for ages; they're just adorable! Most of the people I know, think I'm stupid (paraphrasing) for thinking that way, like, "they're just birds, wtf?", you know?
There's a simplicity with cats/birds that eliminates my internal turmoil; it takes me out of my mind, and lets me feel connected to them on an almost spiritual basis. They are who they are, they don't pretend. Most animals are this way, but these two seems to click with me the most.
Anyway, I'm digressing. People are in no way like this. Every one of them is judging you from the moment they start interacting with you - it's human nature. I do my best to accept everyone the way they are, to be encouraging and supportive of whatever they feel they need regardless of my thoughts (as long as it isn't hurting anyone else), but it's so rare that I find this in others, and it takes so much effort to find that 'needle in a haystack' person, that even the thought of putting in that kind of effort to socialize enough to find them makes my head hurt. And with my somewhat extreme level of introversion, and my random regression into depressive episodes (sometimes deep and long-term), even if I do meet someone cool, I always manage to alienate them because they don't know me well enough to understand and think it's easier to just write me off first than to deal with someone who has 'major issues'.
Now that I think about it, what I really need is 1-2 people I could talk with about things like this, in-person (not solely this kind of thing, mind you). This format is so cold and impersonal that I feel like I'm still alone in my head, talking to no one. I've seriously been tempted to get the cash together to schedule some appointments with my old psychiatrist again, just so I could have someone to talk with. Isn't that pitiful? That I'm seriously thinking that paying someone $120 (last I knew) to be able to talk with them for 45-50 minutes is worth it? I mean, really, what kind of loser has to pay someone that much money, just to feel like they have someone who'll listen with no judgment?
Me, apparently.
5:58 p.m. - 2016-12-06
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