So, 2nd week without supplements, and I'm a little discouraged to say that the last couplefew days have been getting worse. This is part of the reason I removed alcohol from the equation again; I need to see if it's causing the depression issues, or if it's some sort of chemical imbalance. No drinks in a week, and I'm still feeling a bit lethargic/tired (even though I've been getting more than adequate sleep), and I find myself feeling, if not quite depressed, then melancholic/nostalgic? Really been missing CC recently, and really been beating myself up over blowing an opportunity like that. I know all the platitudes about something better coming along, etc, but in all honesty, I think that's just shit people tell themselves to make them feel better. I don't do anything that's likely to lead to me meeting someone: I'm a true introvert - my most comfortable (happiest?) places are, alone in my house watching/listening to something or reading a book, working on my car, or working out in my garage. When I'm not drinking, I only go out to music venues & such because I feel I should; one must put effort into maintaining 'friendships', and I know that if I don't do that, I'll never hear from anyone, thus losing the only connections I have in the outside world.
I just realized, I feel like I did when I was a kid & my ma would 'punish' me by making me go to my room. She'd sentence me to an hour alone, but I wouldn't come out for hours, because I would find things to do on my own that I enjoyed. That's exactly what my life feels like right now - I'm being punished with solitude, but I'm finding things to occupy my time until I'm 'released', which will probably never happen.
I wonder, what lesson am I meant to learn in this life, by living out my days alone, emotionally isolated? My 'best years' are long gone, and now it's just a long, slow slide into old age, where I get to start watching everyone I've ever known start to die off - cheery thought, yes?
Oh well, at least I'm not depressed about it. I always feel better about things like this when I know I'm looking at it with a detached impartiality. Attachment is the root of all suffering, you know - so at least I'm not suffering at this point, right? ;-)
Will have to see if I mellow out a bit next week, too. Only two more weeks to go, then I can start back up. Two more opportunities to review whether it's been the drinking or the 'imbalance' that causes my depression. If it's the latter, I'll go ahead and get my thyroid function checked. If it's not thyroid issue (and not the drinking either), well... I honestly don't know what I'll do.
10:02 p.m. - 2016-08-12
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