Do you know the one really shitty thing about my life/being me? Having no one to talk to when things don't go quite the way I wish they would. All I want right now is someone to talk to, to help me see things in a better light. My isolation allows these little setbacks to trigger a grand cascade of memories of all the failures I've had/been in my life. I've tried to go to bed twice already, because I just don't have any reason/desire to be awake, but every time I lie down, my mind starts racing with thoughts of every failed attempt at something, every embarrassing moment where I put myself "out there" only to end up being ridiculed; I think about my career, how long it took me to get where I am (which is great as compared to some, I know) but then I realize that, in the particular "pond" in which I swim, I'm just a minnow. Shit, I'm literally making about the same money as my Dad did at this age, and that was decades ago.
I really hate my brain. I hate how fragile my psyche is. I hate that I have zero support, emotionally. I hate that I'm still alone, and have been for so long, and will be for so much longer. I fall to pieces over something stupid like this, it's no wonder I can't date.
And I honestly hate the fact that I'm using the word "hate" and actually meaning it. I need a goddamn hug. And a few sleeping pills. And a reason to give a shit.
And I wish I didn't sound so pathetic.
10:23 p.m. - 2016-07-13
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