For the last week or two, I've been struggling with my depression again. Typical feeling of hopelessness, futility, isolation... I didn't really realize it until a thought struck me a couple days ago - "It's ok, you're almost done". In context, it felt like, "just hang in there a little longer, it'll be over soon", and it was comforting. I'm still a few years away from the age my dad was when he decided that he'd had enough of this life, and the thought I had was just a simple, "don't worry, it won't be long now".
I'm so tired of struggling, of having to "fake it til you make it", because it feels like I never will. I feel like an outsider to the human race; I watch others live their lives, here, on facespace, whenever I find the energy to go out (which isn't often anymore). I see friends, families, people with "their people", with whom they fit in, belong, and it hurts me, knowing deep down that I don't have that, and never will.
I feel like I've been broken inside; like there's something fundamentally wrong with me, that makes me unable to connect with people in heart-felt, meaningful ways. I find myself, every day, thinking something and wanting to share it, only to realize that there isn't anyone; nobody to call, no one to email... This isolation is killing me. Not being able to socialize, to connect, it's like being in solitary confinement, even when I'm around people. More than once in the last week or so, I've laid in bed at night and thought to myself, I kind of wish I just don't wake up in the morning. I always do though, so there must be a reason, but I'll be damned if I can figure one out.
What do I want in life? Honestly? Just one thing... to love someone, and to be loved by them in return. That's it. Doing things, exploring the world? To me, they're meaningless without someone with whom to share it. Do you know what that means?
My life is meaningless.
2:40 p.m. - 2015-08-22
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