Got an email a couple days ago from my uncle (dad's brother) saying that my Uncle L had died. Apparently he'd been battling cancer for a couple years!? I don't remember ever being told that. Not surprising, really, as that whole side of the family is very 'distant', if you know what I mean. They're the opposite of 'touchy-feely'. Anyway, the graveside service was today - I was hesitant to go, because I don't like facing others' mortality, and also, he was being buried in the same cemetery where my dad & grandparents are. I haven't been back to my dad's grave since maybe the 2nd year he passed, and it was tough.
It was also tough to feel happy to see these people (and I was) when it was under such shitty circumstances. Death seems to be the only reason they/we ever get together anymore, and it's really sad. Ultimately, i decided to go for my uncle D. At my dad's funeral, I had such a hard time facing up to it that when I walked up to see his body in the casket, I couldn't even hold myself upright. He and someone else (whom I can't recall) held me up, prevented me from falling to the floor, long enough to get me to a chair.
Gods, I haven't thought about that in years...
Anyway, they sprung a surprise on me, that wasn't necessarily pleasant, but still an honour - when they were getting ready to transfer his casket to the gravesite, they asked me to be a pallbearer. It was me & my cousin (it was his dad) at the front, but I'm not sure who else was there. It's the first (and hopefully last) time I've done that. I was glad to have had the opportunity to help him on his way, so to speak, but it felt a little wrong, because I didn't even do that for my dad.
I was a bit surprised to see that there was a preacher there, because I don't think there is a religious bone in that entire family. My guess is that L's wife (and her family) were the reason, which is fine. I'm all for anything that will help a grieving family to heal. Unfortunately, this guy was a real 'fire & brimstone' preacher. he talked about how all of us are sinners, how my uncle experienced his sin through (among other things) the cancer that ended up taking him. He talked about descending into the "stinking, rancid gullet' of death (or some bullshit like that). I really felt that he was way out of line, and a couple of times, I nearly walked off. It disgusted me thoroughly, and I could tell most of my family's side felt uncomfortable, but again, as I said, the service is for the bereaved, and I just kept telling myself that it was a comfort to L's wife, children, and grand-children, and I let it go.
As per usual, when we were all getting ready to leave, we all talked about how we 'really need to get together', and how it was a shame that we only see each other at these sad times, but as I told them, we all feel it, but we need a planner, an organizer, and nobody seems to be able to do that. I did get a semi-commitment from my uncle J that he'd get my email from uncle D, and the three of us could meet for coffee sometime. (I really hope it happens, but I doubt it will.)
Some of the ladies of the family told me that I needed to get married soon so that we could all get together for a happy reason instead. I told them that wasn't going to happen (not getting married again). A couple times, I wanted to tell them that I might be the reason we got together next time, but I knew it wasn't the place, so I kept my mouth shut.
I still have that nagging worry in the back of my mind... 4.5 more years, and I'll be as old as my dad was when he decided to check out. I have this unreasonable fear that I'm not going to make it past that age. It's silly, but so many things about my life are echoing his now - good job, place of my own, no friends, only people I talk to are the servers in the restaurants I go to all the time. hardly ever talk to family, don't really date much. The only thing missing is a debilitating injury/illness. I hope that won't happen (I really don't think it will), but the idea's just festering there, tucked away in some back corner of my mind, and with the decades of clinical depression I've gone through/am going through, it wouldn't surprise me at all to find that one day, I just don't have the energy to continue. As I said, I don't expect it, but it wouldn't surprise me.
Ok, on to something rather a bit more fun - I'm driving down south to the next state tomorrow (which reminds me, I need to get to bed) to pick up a 'swivel' power seat for my Dodge. These things are rare, and it's in great shape, and going for 1/3 less than ones I've seen recently in far worse shape. It's a 4 hr drive, and I know I have other more important things to do with the money, but I think an occasion like this won't come up again, so I'm going for it. Here's an example of what I mean (this is not the seat I'm buying) - 1960 Desoto. It will need to be refinished, and probably needs some work to the mechanics & electrical, but it's cool as hell & I'm pretty happy about finding it.
Also, after 4 months, the shop finally got me a parts price list for my engine - everything looks good, got me some great deals, so I had him order the parts this past week. I expect the engine to be done within the next 2-3 weeks or so. Will have to get the transmission rebuilt next, and then buy a rear axle & fix the brakes (and maybe new exhaust?). I get that done & I should be able to drive it! (Oh, unless the gas tank is shot - that might be a difficult thing to find...) Anyway, it's nice to be making progress on it after all these years.
Seems like I finally have something to look forward to - getting to drive that car.
P.S. If I get time, I'll post my workout plan this week. This entry is way too long for me to add it tonight.
11:59 p.m. - 2015-08-08
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