Viv & I have hung out every weekend since we started. I'm a little unsure about this, because it feels like we're dating again. I need to put some space in there somewhere, I think. The more we hang out, the more uncomfortable I am. I'm kind of to the point where I just want to get the money she owes me for the car & be done with it. There's something about her that just makes me uneasy. Nothing specifically, just little comments about her life, other people, etc, as well as the comments about me/us, the way she acts when we're together... The whole thing is just depressing, and this morning, I'm at a point where I just want to cut off communication with everyone around here & "disappear" again (online company excluded). The dating websites do nothing but make me terribly sad anymore, and as much as I want to meet/find someone, I just don't think it's meant to be; dating site, bars, friends, whatever. I just want to give up.
I wrote a big thing here about not being able to talk about money with people because of the income disparity between me & everyone I hang out with, including Viv, but deleted it. I guess I shouldn't, but I feel guilty for being financially comfortable. It really makes things awkward sometimes. There's so much more I could write, but I don't feel right about it.
At this point, the only thing I want is a chance at a relationship that could work out long-term. Nothing else is really worth concerning myself with. Considering that I just said I'm giving up in that realm, I guess that means there's nothing worth concerning myself with, period.
At this particular moment, I'm absolutely sick of living.
12:20 p.m. - 2015-06-08
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