I don't know what's going on with me. For the last couplefew weeks I think, I've had this sinking feeling in my stomach. My mind has been bringing up old, old events in which I felt ashamed, embarrassed, etc, and I keep reliving them. I feel judged, condemned, belittled...
I've been trying to think of what may be the cause of this, and here are some of my ideas:
1) I've been getting on facespace again quite a bit (not posting, just looking). I like to keep up with what's happening in the lives of people I know, but it's wholly isolating and discouraging to see all of these people I know being happy, having fun, getting together with friends & SO's, doing all of these things that seem to make for a great, fun-filled life, while I sit alone in my empty house like I've been doing for the last several years. (Run-on sentence, much? Ugh.)
2) I gave up on the public (visible) dating profile again. I still have the hidden/anonymous one, and it's kind of bruising my self-esteem to see that most of the women to whom I've written (with the other profile) are listed as "responding frequently", and yet, not a word in reply to any of my messages. I wish I could stop looking, but it's kind of like the Charl1e Sh33n trainwreck was - you knew it was horrible, but you couldn't help watching.
3) I don't like cold weather in the first place, but it's been single-digits F in the mornings for over a week & I haven't been able to run (I've tried in the past, but anything colder than 10 or so I just can't handle). I can tell my metabolism's getting slower, because I'm having a hard time keeping warm now. This is also getting me discouraged, as I really want to get/keep in shape, and I feel like I'm failing at my commitment to myself to run every morning before work. Basically, I'm letting myself down.
4) I was taking an OTC supplement that's supposed to help increased anabolic hormones (testosterone & such) that's supposed to help guys add muscle. It worked very well, and I was pleased with the results, but it's been almost a month since it ended, and I wonder if it might be having some sort of "withdrawal"effect on my mental state. I felt really good, strong (physically/mentally), positive, upbeat for quite a while (which began well before I started taking the supplement, btw), but I wonder if this is something like a sugar/caffeine crash, and I just need to hold on & get past it?
5) The hand injury really set me back, mentally. It limits my choices in workouts, and to be honest, it makes me feel old. I know people can get injured at any age, but I'm already fighting a losing battle, so any setback like this is really (here's that word again) discouraging. I'm waiting for my card to come in so I can access my HSA funds, then I can make my appt & see just what's going on.
I'm getting to the point of wanting to disappear again for a while. I've been trying to go out to shows & such again (still not drinking, btw...), on a limited basis but I just can't do it. I'm bored by it. I enjoy the music, but it always leaves me feeling more alone than before I went, even if I end up talking to people. The dissatisfaction in my life is rampant.
There is one possible "good news" item on the horizon. It's been developing for a couple months now, but I haven't wanted to discuss it for fear of jinxing the whole situation, so for now, it will have to continue to be left unsaid. Once there's something interesting to discuss (positive or negative), maybe I'll write about it.
12:59 p.m. - 2015-02-24
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