I think I've been avoiding this thought for a while now, but I don't think I can anymore. I'm going to have to start over. All of the people I know here in town, all of the people I could hang out with, are all alcoholics and/or drug users. Not to say that they're bad people for that, but when they think of going out, letting loose, having a good time, drinking/drugs/partying are the first thing they think of. Actually, it's such a part of them that even going camping turns into a drunken/stoned event. I can't be around those kinds of people anymore, they're not good for me. That's not who I want to be. I've realized that my issue isn't necessarily with drugs/alcohol, it's with the circumstances in which I partake. As difficult as yesterday was for me, I still didn't want to get drunk. I had a beer with lunch, another with dinner (both at home). There are four more in the fridge, and I don't really care.
This tells me something - I don't crave those things, I'm not addicted to them. I use them as crutches to get through issues. I use them as ways to change the way my life feels, as I feel like I'm unable to do that any other way. There really are only two situations in which I feel the need to alter myself - to get over my social anxiety so I can talk to people in the hopes of making friends, or to dull the pain and hopelessness of my depression, when it hits (which, unfortunately, is almost constant). Everything else stems from those two. Guilt, shame, and even more depression all come about from my judgment of my own behavior when I've been drunk. Sure, I've had the odd "good" night where everything went well, I had a fun time, and met some cool people. It's nights like those that keep me going back to it, in the hopes lightning will strike twice. It rarely does, and the more I chase it, the less likely it seems .
I'm going to have to start looking for things to do that don't involve bars/the bar scene/my bar friends. There's a rock climbing gym downtown that I've been talking about checking out for years. I'd really like to, if I can find a way to get my nerves under control. Maybe I can get back into running/find a running/mountain biking group? I thought about maybe looking for some singer/song writer workshops as well, if I can find any that aren't in bars. Hell, at this point, I should really try any kind of work shop that seems even remotely interesting - painting, wood working, creative writing/poetry, I don't know. I used to build models as a kid, maybe I could set up a work shop in the basement & start doing that again. If/when I get a bigger place with a garage, I know I can finally start putting the old Dodge back together too. So, Any suggestions? What kinds of things do you all enjoy doing that doesn't involve bars/drinking? Any kind of hobby/craft you find interesting.
The next couple of months are going to be very hard for me & my depression. I think I can make it through this next weekend ok (have a vacation day on the 31st, 3 day weekend), but I had so much vacation time left this year I had to schedule it all in the last two months. Including our company holidays, I'll be off work for the last two weeks in November, and the last three weeks of December (Well, 2 1/2 weeks of Dec. 1/2 week of Jan). That's five weeks of isolation; five weeks of sitting in my house alone & friendless, while other people enjoy the holidays with their family/friends. I've no idea how I'll get through that without drinking, but I want to. I mean, there are tons of things I could be doing to the house to get it ready to sell in the spring, but motivation's hard to come by when you're in the midst of hating your life, you know? The only thing keeping me out of the bars right now are binge-watching old network tv series, and re-reading old books I have. I keep thinking about going out for a walk/run or something, just to get me off the couch, but every time I go out, I see people (and this is going to sound a little dumb, but); friends/couples in cars laughing, having a good time together, couples out for a walk, house parties I can see through front windows, etc. It seems like any time I leave my house, I see what I'm missing. I guess that's why I stay inside so much now.
I really don't know what else to say anymore. Guess this is as good a place as any to stop.
It's hard to be strong when you feel completely alone.
10:29 a.m. - 2014-10-26
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