All I can do is sit here & distract myself with online tv shows. Every time there's a moment of silence, I'm overwhelmed by thoughts of this situation. I took an anxiety pill earlier because it seemed like very five minutes I would start crying, and I can't do that right now.
I'm lost, I don't know what to do. Can one of you help me here? Should I try to track her down, call the hospitals, see if she's alright? Should I wait and see if I hear something? Should I try to see her soon, or should I stay away? Should I go visit GRJ, or should I just crawl into bed & try to pretend that I'm not a big part of the cause of this? I don't have enough meds, or the right kind of them, to keep my head together. I don't even want to think about trying to drink my way through this. I want to bash my head against the wall for being so stupid about this. I want someone just to hold me & let me cry in safety. As soon as I wrote that, I realized that's probably all she wanted last night to, and I wouldn't give that to her, and now I'm crying again.
How is it right for me to ask for help, when I couldn't even give it to her? I just keep coming back to two words, every time I think about it.
I'm responsible.
Fuck me.
2:58 p.m. - 2014-10-05
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