How do I put this?
For the last month or so, although I've been feeling pretty positive about things, I've managed to let my drinking get a little... carried away? It's back to the point of interfering with my fitness goals, but unfortunately, I've also reached the point of not caring again, and this last bit of external non-validation has made it worse. I can feel the slow slide into the negative moods beginning again, and I'm upset with myself for it. Yet, I don't seem to care enough to change it. I skipped my workout tonight to go out for drinks & to see a show; got a text about tomorrow's training & basically called off like a little bitch; the plans I'd made to visit with a lady-friend on the other side of the state fell through, due to some health issues on her part; the plans I made for the July 4th holiday fell through as well.
Even taking into account the relative fun Iv'e been having, it's been weighing on me again... the loneliness, the emptiness, the pointlessness of my life. I see people, I talk to people, I hear nothing but empty platitudes and smalltalk. I wonder... if people knew the energy inside, the longing for connection, the resignation of "knowing" I'll never find it, would they shun, or embrace me?
Despite my best intentions, there are people on this planet who despise me. This aches to my core. I've never wanted anything more in life than connection, peace, harmony with all things. I can't even find it in myself. I feel like a failure at life.
What I wouldn't do for a set of feminine arms to fall into tonight. Not in a sexual way at all, but like a safe harbor, a place where I could let go, release all of these thoughts that weigh on me, even when I'm not aware of it.
I'm so tired of this constant struggle. Ok, well, I'm tired of the constant struggle without a break - even an occasional respite would be welcome. Just holding someone for a night, that would be such a help.
Stupid drinking... Stupid me.
2:33 a.m. - 2014-06-28
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