Well, this is just unbelievable luck.
Let me preface this by saying that I feel like a complete asshole for the following thoughts & feelings. In fact, I feel like the guy in this song, and I apologize up front.
***********
So as few of you suggested, I sent another text tonight, casually mentioning that I remembered KJ saying she wanted to go for a motorcycle ride, that it was a great night for it, and I asked if she was free. This was around 5p. I expected that maybe it was too short of notice, and that if she wanted to go, she would suggest an alternate day/time, and if she wasn't interested she just wouldn't reply. As I expected, no response. I wrote it off to what I had before, friendly drunk flirting, but sober realization and avoidance.
I went about my day. I eventually ended up downtown for a friend's (ok, bar acquaintance's) show at Lou's. She was supposed to go on @ 11p. As I was waiting, I would wander between watching the other band play, and hanging out at the bar. While I was doing the latter, I saw Bo walk across the other side of the room, to the restroom. While I tried to think of something clever, nothing came to mind, so I just sent her a text to come in & see the band (as I assumed she was out on the smoking patio). While I was writing that text, I noticed KJ at the other side of the bar ordering another beer.
At first, I was a bit irritated that 1) Bo was still in town & nobody told me, 2) KJ was apparently out having drinks with her friend & having fun, which must mean she was avoiding my messages. I'll admit, it stung a little, but again, I wrote it off. People don't owe me an explanation, if they don't want to talk, it's cool, I can handle it, you know? Anyway, 11:45p rolled around & the friend was just setting up. I was no longer in the mood to be a supportive "bar friend", so I just left, figuring I could find some people with whom to socialize at the Dog. I found a few, but nothing like what I really needed.
While I'm sitting there nursing another drink (only 3 for the night, not too bad), I got a text from Bo, asking me if I was at Lou's. It said "sorry, am a bit out of sorts, I'm in town for (Kj's long-term ex)'s funeral."
I was floored. He was a great guy, & I always enjoyed talking with him. We were never really close friends, which is why I guess nobody told me before now. Anyway, I wrote back that yes, I was at Lou's earlier, that I was shocked to hear about him, that I was really sorry, and for them to let me know if there was anything I could do. That's where it stands now; I haven't heard back.
First, I'm questioning whether I should have gone back to see them, to see if I could have helped in some way; an ear to talk to, a shoulder to lean on, etc. My first instinct is to give people space, to be respectful of their grief and not impose myself if I'm not wanted. The second thing I thought (and here's where I start to feel like an asshole) is that, god damn, isn't that some kind of luck - I finally make an effort to connect with someone, and their friend/long-term ex-love passes on! It's no wonder she didn't reply, and now I feel like a dick for asking her on a cycle ride in the first place! Yes, I know there was no way for me to know, but I still feel like shit about it.
And on the "bad luck for me" side of things, I mean really, what are the odds of something like that happening? And now, do I give her space, or should I send condolences? If I do, should I text, or call? I would have no idea what to say in a call, and I can imagine that being completely awkward, and in no way helpful. On the other hand, I don't want to just disappear for months, that seems like a "dick" move as well.
You know what I think? I think something this unlikely is the universe's way of telling me to give up, that no matter how I try, it will never let me find/meet anyone. I can almost see it laughing & rubbing it's hands together like this...
Now, do you see why I feel like an asshole? I went and made this whole situation about me, how it affects me. She, and the rest of his friends, are in pain, and that's all I can do? Kind of seems like I don't deserve to have friends.
I hope KJ (and the rest of the family/friends group) are doing ok.
P.S. I had a weird feeling when I pulled in my driveway tonight. I was thinking about Kj's ex, and then I saw my g'ma's car in my driveway. The first thought that entered my mind at that point? "I think a lot of death is coming soon."
Why the fuck would my brain have to put that thought in my head right before I go to bed, all alone, in an empty house? Discouraging is probably the nicest way to put it. I really hope I don't dream tonight/tomorrow morning...
***********************
Just as I got done writing this, I got a text from KJ, thanking me for the invites, and asking if I'd heard what happened. I just replied that Bo had just told me, I was stunned, and that if she needed anything, I'd be here. I really didn't know what else to say. Gods, I wish I wasn't so awkward with people. I have no idea what to say or do in these situations...
1:20 a.m. - 2014-05-11
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