For the last few years, this trip hasn't been too bad; I've even looked forward to it in a way, or at least found some comfort in it. This year... I don't know. It seemed empty.
Again, as every year, when I got there, there was no activity. Within five minutes, though, birds started to sing, to fly in the sky above the trees in the distance, to make themselves known. When I saw them, I smiled, because I've always taken it as a sign of connection. It began to snow soon after that; the first time I ever remember it doing so when I've been there. Not long after that? No more birds, just the sound of the fasteners on the five flagpoles a short distance away, clanging in the wind. This was the first year I ever noticed them make any sound - they sounded just like wind chimes, their notes the correct distance apart in tone to be musical. I sat and listened to them as it started to snow more, and I found that my mind was drifting. I had no deep thoughts weighing on my mind, nothing to ponder, no wistful reminiscing, not much of anything. It disturbed me a little, as I'm not sure how to interpret that. Does it mean I don't care anymore? Does it mean I've moved beyond needing to go? It's been fourteen years now, and I can't see myself ever *not* going, but... I don't know.
The only thing that really stood out to me, was that I was there again on another Valentine's Day, alone, and sitting there in the cold, I realized just how empty my life is. I fill my days with work, with bar friends, with exercise, with busy-body things of no import. I realize that I do have good friends, and I appreciate them, but they're not here, they're all in different states, different countries, which might as well be different worlds. But, to be honest, is having friends really enough in this world? Can you imagine going through decades of your life without love, without someone special who loves and cares about you, and you them? Can you imagine an entire future of that? I'm sure there are some few people in this world who might get by, maybe even thrive, on their own, but I'm not one of them.
I had a thought today (just a passing consideration), watching all of these happy (smug?) couples posting all their lovey-dovey posts to each other and the world on facespace, and I wondered... Are they oblivious? Are they inconsiderate? Or are they just too self-centered to realize that bragging on their "amazing love", might be painful to others? Do they realize that there are likely just as many people who have or are dealing with tragedy on this same day? Sure, they have every right to say whatever they like, and I'm happy for them for finding such love, but I wonder how they would feel if I posted every year about visiting my son's grave for Valentine's Day? Would they like it if everyone in the world did the same, with their depressing V-day traditions/tragedies? How would they feel if that was the norm, and their posts about love and happiness were the awkward ones?
I'm not hating on anyone, this was more of a mental exercise on my part - devil's advocate, if you will. I think it's great that people can find happiness like that. It just makes me that much more sad to realize it's never going to be me doing that.
I really am ok. A little melancholy maybe, but I'm not all bummed out like I used to get. I've either managed to make peace with everything, or managed to hide those feelings behind some pretty heavy-duty walls. Who knows, who cares? At least I don't cry anymore.
Strongman in the morning, I should go to bed.
11:46 p.m. - 2014-02-14
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