Pain, physical pain, is a horrible thing. Sure, it's useful, injury-preventing, and even life-saving if you pay attention to it, but chronic, daily pain is a terrible wear on the mind. I already struggle with depression, and even on my good days, I have a hard time finding anything resembling happiness. Still, the other day at work (while in the midst of this abscess/back issue), I found myself thinking, "I'd rather just be dead."
No worries, I'm not the type of person who would ever do anything about that, it was just an observation. An observation based on several things, the biggest of which (at the time) was the constant pain. Compounded on that though, is the distinct, extended loneliness, which is just enhanced by the fact that the last three people I dated have moved on to what appears to be successful, happy relationships. Topping things off, I find myself realizing that there's nothing in the world that will ever make me happy. Not in the short-term, not in the long-term. Even small things, to be honest...
I know that one method to getting away from these thoughts is to find something, anything, you enjoy, and do it. A new hobby, a club/group of some type, exercise of some sort. I've been considering all of these things, but none sound like any fun. The last time I went running (which I do enjoy a bit) or for a ride on my mountain bike, I woke up the next morning with my neck out of alignment. I used to read a lot, but all of the series in which I'm interested have no new books out, and I've not found any new ones that interest me. I play guitar, but I've grown weary of it, it doesn't hold my interest. I have bar friends, but in order to interact with them, I usually need to have a few drinks, and even when that helps and I have a good night, I wake up the next morning hung over & hollow inside. The bass gig I have with the guys has grown predominantly irritating/frustrating, and I find myself actually dreading the call each Thursday. Hell, even riding my cycle is tainted. It's really the only thing I could say I enjoy (and I do) but for the most part, that ends up leaving me hollow as well, because I want to be sharing it with someone, and therein lies the problem.
I need to be outgoing if I ever hope to meet anyone. I know I can be a fun, charming guy (or so I've been told) when I'm feeling good. The issue is, I need to feel positive, upbeat, happy, in order to have enough mental energy to be outgoing, and for the last several years, I've not been able to find that for longer than a week or two at a time. I keep running into the same issue - happiness, to me (apparently), is sharing life with someone (the right someone, not just anyone). In all other activities I try, the enjoyment has this emptiness about it, and I don't know how to change that.
As it stands, I keep trying to picture how my life is going to play out from this point, (especially considering I don't want to have kids) and all I see is a life of solitude and isolation, growing old & dying alone and unknown; nobody even missing me for weeks, if not months or more. That really doesn't seem like a very good reason to want to live does it?
Oh well... at least I still plan on growing old, right?
8:14 p.m. - 2012-07-02
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