I went out for a while last night, because I thought a buddy of mine was playing downtown - turns out he wasn't, but since I was out anyway, and since I'm still stressing out & in need of a drink (yeah, kinda started again, I'll get into that in a minute), I decided to bar hop a bit. Nothing of interest happened until the last bar (karaoke night). As I was feeling a bit antisocial, I took a table in the back where I could see everyone. Ran into a couple guys I knew, but didn't really talk to them much. Near the end of the night, a young lady walked by my table and said she recognized me from a different bar where she used to work, and asked if I remembered her. Of course, I did, because she's really cute, and I was always happy to see that she was working, when I used to go there - she was pleasantly surprised that I did, though, which actually surprised me! She's working back at that bar again & told me to come see her when I get a chance...
A bit later, another cute young woman sitting at a table in front of me came back to ask if I was a rider (saw the helmet on the table next to me). She told me that there was a bike club that was having a thing at one of the bars downtown the next night, and that I should come down. Just before she left, I asked her name - she told me, but never bothered to ask mine, just grabbed a quick handful of popcorn, got up & walked back to her table. Not that it really matters, I'm probably not going to go anyway, I just thought it odd that she didn't ask, like, why even bother coming over to talk with me? Whatever...
As I left the bar, I ran into another young woman who also used to work at the same bar that the other one did. She was out smoking, and grabbed my arm as I was walking by, then asked me if I remembered her. Of course, again, I said yes, because she was also cute, and I almost always remember cute girls, especially really cute, short, red-heads. She was also surprised that I remembered, and started talking to me about how whenever she went out, people always would say hi to her, but never want to talk, figuring it was because they only knew her as a bartender, but not beyond that. I told her that the next time she saw me out, she should say hi & we would sit & have a conversation. She seemed really excited about that idea, and then we parted ways.
The main reason I mention any of this is that, while it was enjoyable to get some attention from some cute women for a change, it really didn't mean anything to me, like, I just didn't care, almost as if I knew nothing would come from it, like life was just teasing me. I'm still struggling with whether or not to keep in touch with CC, whether or not I'd be able to handle hanging out with her again. Last night when I got home, I wrote a really big journal entry about her and my feelings towards her, and posted it (I think it was around 3-3:30am), but I woke up at 7:30a because I realized (in my sleep, I guess) that I needed to delete it, because it was stupid. (Or is that, "I"m stupid"? I don't know...)
Everything I write in every journal I've ever had, eventually comes back to "boo hoo, woe is me, how will I ever go on?" *staples hand to forehead*. I'm honestly tired of it, but I'm also honestly feeling those same emotions, and what else is a journal for than to write about your feelings, right? Still, seems pretty pointless. Been thinking about calling my psychiatrist (those are the ones with Ph.D's, right? I can never remember...) but as with the journal, I can't really see the reason; I'm just going to talk about the same old things I've written about in my journals for the last gods-know-how-many-years. Not only that, but my insurance sucks for this benefit right now, and it'll cost me $60 out-of-pocket each visit. Do I really need to pay that to talk with someone? Then again, it beats going out & getting drunk, or just sitting in the goddamned house alone every night lamenting the state of my life.
Speaking of that, this was the 2nd night in a row I went out for drinks; the first night, I really needed it, last night, it was more boredom & frustration. It's so obvious to me just how bad drinking affects me physically, that I rarely even want to do it anymore. I think it's just my built-in, natural reaction to getting bad news now, but I think I'm slwoly getting over that, because this morning sucked, and I only had 4 drinks. (It's probably more about the lack of sleep than anything, but still...)
The one good thing that I'm trying to take away from this situation with CC is that she helped me realize that I *do* want to have a relationship again. Of course, with as picky as I am about everything, the chance of meeting someone who fits enough of my desires (looks, body type, personality, intelligence, etc.) is about as likely as me winning the lottery - and I don't play the lottery. Man, I do want it though. Guess maybe I'm human after all.
11:42 a.m. - 2011-04-14
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