Last night, I was starting to feel pretty good again. I even went for a run, which I haven't done in weeks. I felt like I'd turned a corner, figuratively speaking. I came home tonight with the intent of running again, but in checking one of my online profiles, something reminded me of a girl I knew back in/around high school. I didn't hang out with her for very long, but I really dug her. Of course, I was incredibly shy back then & never really spoke up, although I did hang out with her at her house a couple nights.
I wanted to look her up, see if I could find anything about her online, but realized I either couldn't remember, or never knew her last name. I can picture her quite well, I remember where she worked, the house she lived in, but all I can remember is her first name. (I know they moved out of the city shortly after we hung out, but I'd still run into her.) Couldn't even recall what school she went to, although I was pretty sure it wasn't mine. Anyway, I got out my old yearbooks & tried to see if I might get lucky & find her. (I didn't.) What I did find, however, was a terrible feeling of nostalgic melancholy, an empty sadness that I hadn't expected.
In the middle of my search, I got an email from CC, and we wrote back & forth a few times. I finally got to say that I was sorry things didn't work out, that it was a case of "right place, wrong time", and i told her of my sincerity in wishing her well with the new guy. I told her that I obviously wasn't healed enough to be ready ffor a serious relationship, and I was sorry it wasn't me, but it made me feel a bit better that she was finding happiness with someone, rather than struggling along alone. It felt really good to be able to communicate that to her, and she wrote that she really appreciated it.
Well, that's all great, but now I feel like shit again, and while I meant every word, I'm sadder than I want to admit that I couldn't make it work out. I told myself after the holiday that I wasn't going to go out for a couple months, that I was going to try to mellow out on the drinking. Hell, I even told a buddy of mine that this afternoon at work. Right now though, I hate being in this house all alone, yet again, and all I can think to do is go to a bar. It's the only place I can go that's open, where I don't have to get something to eat. I could try to just order a diet coke or something, but honestly, that will do nothing to help dull these thoughts & feelings I'm having.
Oh, yeah, and I missed my freaking doctor's appointment today. Now, I don't know if I should call & reschedule or not. My fear is that they'll charge me for not cancelling my appointment with adequate notice. Still, even though I felt really good most of today & yesterday, I think it would really be best if I got some medicinal help in leveling out.
Then again, I'm not sure I care. This sucks.
9:33 p.m. - 2010-11-01
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