You know what my problem is? (like I only have one, right!?)
Fear.
I used to think I wasn't afraid of anything, but what I'm seeing (again?) is that I really don't like the idea of growing old alone. I try my best to come to terms with that, and I do accept that it's more than likely the case, but I'm not actually ok with it.
I think the reason I'm not able to convince myself that things will change though, is that, as I look at the people I know who are coupled, the majority of them met through some form of social engagement with friends. Essentially, "networking"; being introduced to people through other people you know. Problem I have is, I don't know anybody. At least, nobody that thinks of me as a social person.
Holidays always bring this to light for me. Even a holiday like Labor Day; people get together for house parties, grilling, recreation, etc. I know they do, not because I'm involved, but because I hear about it eventually. Nobody ever thinks to invite me to anything, and I have to wonder how I've created that situation. Obviously, I'm somehow off-putting; I think the fact that I never feel like I fit in anywhere makes people think I don't want to be wherever I am, if that makes sense.
Another thing that really seems to be coming to the forefront recently is the idea that I honestly have no idea what a successful friendship/relationship actually is like. What do friends do? How do they interact? How often do they interact? Is there a typical timeframe within which that people need some kind of communication? Is that why I don't have any close friends? Sometimes, I don't have the mental energy to socialize very often, and it can be a week (or 2 or 3) before I realize I haven't talked to anyone outside of online people. Does this make people think I don't care for them?
Sometimes, I think to call someone up, but I've no idea what friends do, or even talk about. I'm not a talkative guy, I don't do small-talk well, so unless I have an event in mind, I rarely call anyone. I'll ask people to come out for a show/event with me, but they almost always either turn me down, or just don't show up. Part of this issue is that many of them have families/kids, and can't go out at the same times I do. This actually is another problem - all the people I used to know have settled down & are raising families now, and the ones who aren't are... well, I was going to say a bunch of drunks who have no plans, no future, no purpose, but then I realized I just described myself. But really, when you don't have a significant other, nor friends to speak of (to just hang out with) what the hell else is there to do?
For a while, I was ok with just working, riding the cycle, and working out. It kept me occupied, made me feel fit, improved my health, and my overall sense of wellbeing. It wasn't until CC that I realized how much I miss having someone, and that made all of my other activities seem like nothing more than time killers, and made me wonder why I even bother doing any of them. Then I effectively "lost" her, and that made me realize just how empty my life really is. Or is it? I guess i wonder what things other single people have in their lives that are actually worthwhile, fulfilling? Or are they just killing time, waiting for Mr./Ms. right to come along? Is that our ultimate goal? Is that the only real "acheivement" one can accomplish in life? I mean, obviously, people can acheive a lot of things, but do others find those things as meaningful, or even more meaningful, than a successful relationship?
I've really no idea where to go with the rest of this. i could probably ramble on for another hour or two about this, but I doubt it would get me anywhere, so I'll stop here. Any thoughts on any of the above are welcome.
10:35 a.m. - 2010-09-07
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