It's kind of funny - I haven't really been hungry since muh kitteh died, and I've been losing a little weight, which is good. I started running again (last night was my 2nd 2-mile run this week). I'm eating enough, calorie-wise, but I'm not stuffing myself like I used to. I feel better about that, both physically and mentally, but I wonder if/when that's going to change? I don't want to go from one extreme to another & gain a lot of weight. I'm down about 5# in the last week, and I'm somewhat pleased with that, but it's nowhere near where I'd really like to be. I feel (and this is going to sound a little weird) like I don't really care about anything anymore, and I'm not having to take care of my buddy, so what's to enjoy about eating, and therefore, why not try to get skinny, like I've always wanted? Since I'm not hungry anyway, I might as well take advantage of it & lose a bunch of weight. Once I get back into the running thing full-bore, I'm going to try to start lifting weights again, too, to make sure I don't lose what little muscle I have.
And before anyone says anything, yes, I know loss of appetite is a symptom of depression, but guess what? That means I've now got 9 out of 10! The only one I don't (and won't) have is suicidal thoughts. (unless, of course, you count not caring if I die, then I've got the full set! YaY mE! lol) Yes, I'm actually laughing about it - you've got to laugh, right? *wink*
I was trying to catch my mouse-buddy last night again in the kitchen, and thought to check the bait pack I set out the other night. It's been chewed on, and some of it's been eaten, so there's going to be at least one dead mouse in the place soon. I've no idea how many live with me now, but usually if you see one, there are several more in hiding. I picked up the cat's (dry) food bowl last night & swept up all the leftover pieces. Once I get rid of the big bag of leftover food I have in the closet, there shouldn't be anything left in the house for them to eat, and they should chow down on those bait packs. I thought I'd be sadder about killing the cute little fuckers, but like I said the other day, I really don't care anymore. I mean, maybe 3-5% of me does, but I'm not bothered enough to be upset about it.
My truck is leaking oil pretty bad - since I started driving it this fall, I've had to put maybe a couple gallons (not quarts... gallons) in it. I've been hesitant to take it in for fear of how much it's going to cost to fix. Speaking of fixing, I did finally get my windshield wipers fixed - $40 bought the parts at the junk yard, and I did the work myself at home in the garage. Now they work... sometimes. I discovered that the circuit boards controlling the wiper motor (delay, fast, slow, mist) have the tendency to lose connection at one of the soldered joints, so now I have to either 1) pull the board, hope I can physically see the problem, and then re-solder it, or 2) buy a new circuit board for upwards of $50. Also, I realized about a month ago that I don't have any high-beams, even though they're connected properly, which means there's a wiring problem. On top of that, due to the accident the truck had been in, I can't adjust the aim of the lights either, and one is tending to vibrate into a position of pointing higher, like the brights would normally. This is causing people to constantly flash their brights at me at night, and I can't do shit about it. Frustrating. Will likely be another $200 to replace all of that stuff.
Oh, yeah, and all that overtime I worked before my vacation? All that money that I thought would be going towards my downpayment? Vet bill totals for everything will be somewhere around $750-850. Still stuck in this house. Batteries in the small truck and the car are both dead, so there's $150 I have to spend just to be able to sell them. I'll tell you something - this is precisely why I try not to ever think about anything. In fact, it's one of the reasons I started drinking in the first place. (along with the whole "cheating S.O." thing years ago) Fortunately, at this point, not even drinking sounds good to me. I wouldn't mind a few other things, but I probably shouldn't post about that from work...
As an aside, I was reading on a discussion board today something about solitary confinement being a form of torture, and someone mentioned that - "Yes. It fucks people up really severely. Humans are hardwired to need a certain amount of interaction with other humans to maintain any kind of mental stability." - accepting this as true, it becomes one of the reasons I have such a hard time with things. The only way I can socially interact with people is by going out, and by the time I'm out of work, the only thing left open is the bars. If I avoid the bars, I stay alone in my house for weeks on end, which isn't good/healthy for the psyche, and now that my cat's gone, it'll be even worse. I really don't know what to do about it. I'm trying to find some "band" type people to practice with. I've had several causal "committments" (yeah, let's get together & jam sometime!) but so far, all attempts have fallen through. Guess I just have to keep trying, yes? *sigh*
And, to end this on a more upbeat note, I just received an email stating that, as of January, not only is my company reinstating the paycut they took from us, they're also reinstating the company-match 401k, and they'll be using the reinstated salary for calculating our personal objectives bonus for the year. That doesn't help me buy a house now, but it does give me a little breathing room.
1:34 p.m. - 2009-12-02
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