Things are slowly disintegrating on the "dating prospects" front - I can't say that I'm surprised at all, just a little disappointed.
1) Casually asked the bartender last night, since I now knew she had chaps, when she was going to take a bike ride with me. Her reply? "Hmm. I don't know how I feel about that... (pause) Thanks anyway!" After which she tried to deflect by saying something like "Anyway, I still have to get a jacket", implying she couldn't because she'd be cold, or something. It was a total brush-off, polite as it was, but it got the point across - she's friendly with me because it's her job to be (for the most part). At least I know now & can stop thinking about what-ifs.
2) GRJ is no longer on the team, so in all likelihood, I'll never see the derby girl again. That zoomed by pretty fast, didn't it!? lol
3) Got a text from the DJ last night & we hung out a bit, first at a local bar, then at her place. She's really cute, and she's musically inclined & talented, (and seems to really like me) but that's pretty much the extent of things, as far as what I'm looking for. One of the biggest issues I have right now is that every time we hang out, she's broke. I've been a gentleman and picked up a couple drinks for her each time, but that's going to get damn old fast, especially after my last ex. Another big issue I have, (and it's one I've almost immediately rejected online matches for in the past) is that she's a hunter/fisher. While she does take a great approach to it, (Ted Nugent-style, appreciate the animal's life, thank it for its "sacrifice", etc) I'm having trouble getting past the fact that she kills things. She actually made a joke that her family would probably give me no end of shit for not being a hunter, etc. So I'm torn right now - I could quite easily take things to a physical level with her, which is very tempting, but I don't think it would be a good thing, already knowing in my head that I can't see it going anywhere long-term. I actually stopped myself from kissing her goodnight last night, because I'm so conflicted about these things.
Would it be wrong of me to start something with her, knowing that? I know I have a tendency to shut things down before they even start, but I do have good reason. I mean, I have to consider how things will end, you know? Because they always do/will, if the woman's not *just* what I'm looking for. If I do start something with her, and she puts more in/expects more out of it than I do, I'm going to end up hurting her, and is it right of me to start something, knowing that? To me, it almost seems like purposefully trying to hurt someone, because I know it's going to happen. Then again, is it fair to myself to keep physical intimacy at arm's length? After all, I need affection as much as the next person.
There are basically four directions I can go at this point... a) avoid initiating anything physically but still hang out, and see if it will grow into a good friendship (which I can actually see happening), b) being altruistic in not wanting to hurt her, take the high road, so to speak, and totally shut things down by minimizing contact/hanging out & hope she gets the point that I'm not interested, c) start something physical, not say anything about my thoughts & see how it all plays out, d) start something physical, but let her know upfront (relatively speaking) that I'm not looking to become involved in a committed relationship any time soon & see if she was still open to dating, knowing that.
I will say this - no matter what I do, I'm not tying myself down yet. Once I get a new place, and can afford it, I'm going to start taking a bunch of different classes; yoga, tai chi, dancing (ballroom, salsa, swing, etc)... I'll have the extra bread, and I've been wanting to for a long time now. It should help introduce me to an entirely new set of people, and who knows? Maybe I'll end up meeting a great gal that way!
I still have to write about the out-east trip, but I'll have to do that later, hopefully still yet today...
11:34 a.m. - 2009-11-09
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